July 24th 2013 Well the Divorce wagon is still heading towards the Singles cliff. I worked all day yesterday while she had the kids all day for the first time in weeks. She met one of her co-workers at Kings Island and her kids and our kids rode rides and dodged rain for about 4 hours. This was the first time she was able to take the kids out on her own for weeks. She made no contact with me all day to let me know where they were or what they were doing. They got home right at 5:30. I asked if she wanted to do something together for the evening. She said how about we all go to El Rancho and get some chips and salsa. So she showered and we went. She got a iced adult beverage and as typical, only finished half of it. After dinner we hit Krogers and got the boy some motrin because he was still complaining that his legs ached. Finished and headed for the house. I stopped at Speedway and let the 2 kids get Slushies and got her some of her favorite chocolates. Got home and she hit the bed and I massaged her feet and legs for a couple of hours while the 2 little ones watched Dumbo and the National Geographic show "Battle for Midway". She rested and they watched and I massaged till 11. Sent them to their room at 11 and she rolled over and put the pillow between us and slept. I layed down my weary head and slept. Up at 5 and prayed till 6 begging God to give me my family back and a second chance. In all this I have come to realize that SHE might be better off without me. The children might have a better dad waiting on them out there in God's plans. I have to accept that fact that God my have already given me my last chance at raising HIS children right and treating HIS daughter (my wife) properly. God may be setting this up so that they can find the person that God KNOWS is best for them to live with and raise them. I should not be hard to find someone better than me for them. I destroy all I touch. Everything I have tried to do in life has either failed miserabley OR never got finished. Lord, let your will be done in ALL out lifes. Teach me to let go of all this so that YOUR will be done in our lifes. I accept the fact that you might want her to find another man who is a better provider, husband, father and lover. Lord, I accept the fact that my children might be better off with a dad that YOU provide for them after the divorce. I cannot say that I am comfortable with the idea BUT if it happens then I know that it is YOUR will for I have given this over to you and begged you to keep us together. So if you let us split then I will know that you want me to let ALL of them go and find the better place you have made for them. You created the family and hate divorce BUT you know whats best for us and if we split then I must assume that you have a better place for my wife and my kids than with me. All I ask is that you remove me from them if I will be a hinderance to your will in their lifes. I have created this place that I must now dwell in. I never wanted this. I never dreamed it would happen. I can say that I am crushed under the weight of my own sin. I suffer and the ones I love most suffer as well. I cannot stop it. I cannot slow it down. I cannot escape it. I cannot live with it. This WILL kill me in the long run. I will let her know that I want her to go because she deserves better. I will stop trying to keep her. I will stop talking of her staying with me as s good thing. I will stop asking her to stay and work it out. I will now give her the open road to go. I will no longer try and influence her with words and deeds. I will step aside and let her move forward at her own pace. I will stop telling her that the kids are better off with their parents married and loving. God showed me this today as I was crying out to him. The words were "what if she is better off without you?". "What if the kids are better off with a man she finds"?. I heard the words, had the thought and know that he is right. She will be better off without me. Now my life will become more focused. Focused on helping her get her feet under her and out on her own. Focused and prepping the kids for a new dad who will treat them btter than I have. Focused letting my family go. I hope I am strong enough to stand tall and keep my faith, resolve and sanity as I begin to work this thru my heart, mind, and soul. I am so sorry Lord that I put you in this position. You dont want to do these things but I have given you no option. Please forgive me!

Perhaps I am going about this the wrong way. Lets put this in perspective. 96 days ago my wife of 22 years KNEW without a doubt that I was going to leave her in the future. When? She did not know BUT she knew I was going as soon as I could. She also KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I DID NOT LOVE HER! She knew these things because I WANTED her to think to scare her into letting me in on the finances. My plan backfired in a very bad way. So what has happened in 95 days? She has not moved out. We sleep in the same bed. She does not hide her nakedness from me. She lets me massager her everywhere (except very private areas). We speak everyday. We go out together alone and with the kids. We hold hands. She went to 6 weeks of counseling with me in the effort to work it out. She is going to move out WHEN she finds a house close to me so that the kids can stay in their school. She asked that I help her find a house to move into. She has let me know that we will date each other when she moves out. She asked for a dusalutionment instead of a court ordered divorce. She is not seeing anyone. She wants to start as friends and see how she feels after some time passes. She says she loves me but not like a wife should lover her husband. She wants us to STAY friends no matter what she decides to do. She promised to never keep the kids from me. She admits that her heart says stay but her mind says she must go. She says she must go so that she can come back on her own. She tells me I am a good man. She tells me she finds me attractive. She tells me I am handsome. She does not complain when I take the kids to Church. She is polite and considerate of everything I do and tells me so. The things she is doing don’t point to a woman that wants to leave her husband. As one person put it, she is not fighting me, she is fighting God and her heart. That is a battle that a woman will lose everytime. So all I have to do is keep treating her like Jesus would with unconditional love no matter what she does and wait for God to bring her to where he wants her to be. Once that happens we can work it our and make our life together again. With a stronger, deeper, richer love for each other than we have ever had! Lord, please give me the strength to remain true and strong as you work your will out in her life. Give me direction and wisdom in every action I take from this point on. Please stop me from getting in the way and slowing your will down. But most of all Lord, please, if possible, don’t let her move out. Let US move out together to a new home in a quite place where we can raise our kids and live out our lives with your blessing, loving each other as you love us! Amen

It’s been 95 days since my world started to run like sand thru my fingers. I cannot run for my feet are chained I cannot fly for my wings are broken I cannot hide for my world is glass I cannot escape for my prison is strong I cannot win for my game is already lost I cry to Jesus for help I pray to God for peace I shout to the Lord for relief I beg I AM for an end I scream to our savior for death Let me clarify what is going on in my life right now. My wife of 22 years is leaving me. She is leaving me for 2 reasons. The first is that I have been a selfish, emotionally distant cad to her for over a year. The second reason is that she is 46 years old and has hit the women’s mid life crisis of over half her life is over and she has nothing to show for it. Some of the reasons I treated her so badly go back 17 years ago to an event that crushed my trust and love for her. We did not deal with it correctly and my reaction made it far worse that it actually was. Some of the other reasons were because she spent all our money...period. I was trying to get her to the table to discuss how we could correct that but once again my methods had the reverse affect and the opposite of what I wanted happened. So now she wants out and I have to give her what she wants. I give it to her without a fight because she has requested that we do this as friends for the sake of the kids. She has done everything in her power to keep everything fair. She has bent over backwards to give me the opportunity to be her friend. I can’t give you every example of how she has handled this with grace, tact, and poise Because there are so many. Her dedication to going thru this without conflict is iron. She has offered her hand as a friend and loves me as much. But even thru all her fantastic effort to see this thru calmly I am dying. She sees safety and happiness on her own. I see damage and failure at her leaving. The damage will be the kids and the failure will be mine for ever letting our relationship get to this point. I have prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed that God move in this strongly. I have prayed for God to heal her heart, mind, and soul. I have prayed that God show her the love for her that I have. I have begged for Jesus to open her heart to the needs of the kids. I have cried out for the Holy Spirit in her to show her how she will be loved if she stays. I have told her that I have changed. I have changed. The day she announced that we were done God ripped out all my pride, ego, self centeredness, anger, rage, lust, and lies. I have shown her nothing by love and affection for the last 95 days. I have not let a day go by without letting her know that I love her and she is beautiful. I have made it my mission to see that I treat her like a gentleman at all times. But I am a weak man and don’t know how much longer I can hang on. My sanity wanes, my tears flow daily, my desire for life fades and flickers, my energy is drained away, my time with the kids is marked by forced happiness and bitter regret, my time with her is punctuated with deep love and poverty level despair. I am a wreck. I don’t know who I am. I can’t see a future. I hate myself for what I have allowed to happen. I cannot live and I cannot die. I am in purgatory and have no hope of a brighter outlook. I don’t know what to do. I did decide at the beginning that I had 2 ways to deal with this. I could pull out the guns and fight her tooth and nail. Or I could take that Jesus path and show her love and kindness no matter what she did to me. Picking the Jesus path has been the only thing I have done right in this whole nasty story. Had I picked the other path the kids would have suffered greatly and there would have never been a chance that she would every want to put this back together again. The Jesus path leave the kids as damage free as possible and keeps the door open for her to come back. So here I sit, 95 days later, and pour out my heart in font. I cannot repair the past damage but I can decide to never be the way I was. I CHOOSE to change and cannot go back to who and what I was. If she stays I offer a fantastic future with a husband that will devote himself to his wife completely. I can say this because I have made all the mistakes and now I know how NOT to treat a wife. Know what NOT to do is a better teacher that learning what TO do at times. I have made her my subject and I study hard to pass this test. I have learned so very much and I now beg God to please give me my family back. Lord Jesus, please, please, please let me have my family back. Lord, I have learned my lesson. I know what I did was wrong and beg for your forgiveness. Please Lord gives this old man another chance to show my beloved wife that I can be the man she dreamed I would be. You created the family and you have divorce. Please Lord, hate this divorce, and don’t let it happen. Pour your grace and wisdom on her and I. Lord I don’t know how much more I can take. Please Lord, please, please, please Lord give me peace and joy. Lord please halt this trip down the broad road and keep us from entering the wide gate. Lord set us back on the narrow path and let us go thru the narrow gate. Lord fill her heart with YOUR love. Bring her back to YOUR will and YOUR path. Lead her back to you and she will find me standing next to you waiting for her. Lord, there is nothing to small or great for you to do, please Lord, show my family love and mercy, and bring about your will without tearing it apart. Please Lord stop the madness. Amen. I can type no more. I am exhausted and lonely. I have poured my love onto her for these long months and have not gotten a single I love you back. It does drain one to give so much and get nothing in return. But I cannot, will not quit! For better or worse is what I promised and this will be the only promise I have ever made that I will NOT break!

For three months now we have been in the process of getting her ready to move out. We have done most of the paperwork for the breakup of our marriage. She has started the work for getting a loan for the place she will move into. I have started the process of refinancing our old house so she can have money for the down payment on her place. The 8 and 10 year old are excited that they get their own rooms and the 15 year old claims that she will not stay with mom because she does not want to be her live in baby sitter. My life was shattered 3 months ago. Now the pieces are starting to fall to the ground. Soon enough I will be the divorced father and husbnad. Soon enough I will have free time I never wanted. My family and friends tell me to get a hobby, to go out and live. They dont understand that my hobby and life was my kids. I NEVER left my kids at home and pursued a hobby. I ALWAYS made them my top priority. I loved to be with them and, to me, being with them was living. They were and still are my world. But now I must start to build a life based on WHEN I get them. No longer will I be able to just decided to take them out for dinner or a slushie. But such is the women I created. She thinks she is getting free of me when in reality SHE is going where I sent her. I never dreamed that she would leave me for what I did NOT do. But she is and there is no changing her mind. My only hope is that God steps in and changes her heart like her did mine. But most of God's amazing blessings are done when all else seems locked in place and unchangable. When you see the gun pointed at you and you hear the crack of it going off and you KNOW that you are dead...that is when he steps in and changes everything. If you are reading this and believe in God then please pray that he steps in and saves my family from the pain that awaits down the road that is wide and the gate that is broad. I pray for those in dire straight I pray for those at hells gate I pray for those who live in fear I pray for those who's end is near I pray for those who have not heard I pray for those to find the word But mostley what I pray at night Is that God makes her heart right

Greetings all!!! While the pain is still fresh and the hurt still stings I have managed to scribble down some short books on Kindle. Please check them out! Thanks Short but almost true story from my youth! http://www.amazon.com/Convertables-how-fast-can-ebook/dp/B00DWBHQ4W/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1374069473&sr=1-1&keywords=how+fast+can+you+run Another almost completely true stroy from my life as a young man! http://www.amazon.com/City-Chicken-Assault-Squadron-ebook/dp/B00DVP4LY2/ref=sr_1_2?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1374069708&sr=1-2 A Christian fiction story about the battle for a soul! Be ready to cry! http://www.amazon.com/The-Battleground-ebook/dp/B00DRLM6YM/ref=sr_1_7?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1374069708&sr=1-7 Poems that I have scribble down over the last 3 month my life has fallen apart!http://www.amazon.com/Poems-Prose-pain-regret-ebook/dp/B00DSEDXPE/ref=sr_1_8?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1374069708&sr=1-8 Please look them over. I also have a complete line of Zombie wear on cafepress.com. Just look for Zombie Nation Thanks

God, the Bible and ADHD, ADD

I prayed for years that God would show me the path in life he laid for me. The one that would lead me to his perfect peace, give me a loving family and a profession that would bring him honor and glory. What I got was a hodge-podge life of half finished projects and my dreams and goals lying dead in the dust of time. Now I want to ask God a few questions about my life. Why have you not opened up the way before me? Why have you not given me the ability to do the impossible tasks that the Bible lays out for men to do to be true saints of God. Why did you create me this way and them command thru scripture that I act contrary to the way you designed me? Why did you give me such a wonderful wife and let he do the things she had done to break my trust? Why did you ignore my pleas, cries, moans, and groans as I sought out your will for my life, why have you hidden my purpose from me? Why have you not answered the simplest of prayers for the house? Why have you ignored my repeated prayer to make me a planned and diligent in all I do? Why have you shut your ears to my begging for a new character? Why have you given me such a bad memory? Why did you not lead me into higher education? Why, why, why????? Had I had the determination of Moses, the strength of Jacob, the patience of Job, the wisdom of Solomon and the courage of David I might have been a great man for the Lord and my family. But you, O God, gave me the desire and drive to be the average person walking the streets. Now I am average. I am as average as the unsaved. The loser son of the Lord. Now at mid-life I see the path behind me running in random directions as I moved where I believed that God had wanted me. I made plans but could never focus long enough to see them thru. I had dreams but could never figure out how to translate them to action. I was waiting for God to help me put them together and I THOUGHT I was honoring him by letting him direct my way in life and blindly following. Was I wrong to trust him to take care of me like a child? Was it not Jesus that said unless you come to me as on of these little ones you cannot enter the kingdom? How does that play into planning life and not letting God lead yours? I have found that just letting go and letting God can lead you to a place where he can’t use you. The Bible asks what man builds a tower before he has the plans? It also says that each of us is made unique for what God plans for us. So how cruel is it to create people who are ADHD but don’t know it and tell them that hey are fools for trying to build towers without plan, for trying to be diligent, for trying to developed habits that go against the very fabric of their design? How is that love? Its not love! Its cruelty, mean and horrible. I have tried for over 20 years to be the planned, diligent, forward thinker that the Bible tells me I should be. But to no avail. EVERYTHING I have ever tried at I have failed at. And for the most part, everything I have tried has been with prayer to God to help me. So this begs the question, why would God be so cruel as to make me the way I am and demand that I behave differently? Why would he be so mean to me? Why would he not answer my prayer about this over the last 20 years? Why would a good God let me anguish all these years over the fact that no matter how hard I tried I could not measure up to the great men of the Bible and how they lived daily life’s? Why, Why, Why, Why??????? So there it is, a ADHD Christian and how God makes impossible demands on me. I fear that God's unwillingness to help me overcome this has left me broken and crushed along the pathway of life. I feel betrayed, alone and unworthy.

The hand

The hand The hand is strong to hold me close, The hand is soft to soothe my pain, The hand is weak to let me fly, The hand is small so I feel big, The hand is big to protect soul, The hand is gentle to guide me home, The hand is dirty to teach me work, The hand is wet from my tears, The hand is bleeding from my wounds, The hand is warm to melt my heart, The hand is pushing to move me forward, The hand is tight to keep me going, The hand is God's and it is perfect!