The prison I built for another

The prison I built is an impressive edifice.

The moat that guards it is filled with the vilest of sewage from my imagination.

The drawbridge is as long and narrow as my mind.

The outer walls are massive black granite blocks as hard as my heart.

The stairs leading down are as steep and slippery as my words.

The door to the cell is as massive, twisted, and bent as my views on life.

The cell is as dark, dank, moldy, and black as my lusting soul.

The fetters and chains on the wall are as heavy and sharp as my sin.

I sought to bind her in this place till my will be done.

Now I sit in her place wearing the chains of disgrace.

Praying the God's mercy and love change her heart.

So that one day we can become one again.

The course it must take

I made this prison to be inescapable and dark.

Planning that her stay there would soon spark

The fire in her that would lead her to agree

The financial records she would let me see

Once the fire started it took a wrong turn

She tired of her life and I took the burn

Now she is taking a strong stand

Lines drawn in my hearts sand

Never more will she see

Fear and pain by me

Freedom for her

Without me sure

Sit waited

Till sated

Scorned

Reborn

A dinner, A date but its already too late!

I sat and ate with my lovely bride

Poured out words long hid inside

Pain, fear, and anger drive her away

A new man now I wish her to stay

But HER marriage is lost without a trace

And it cant be rebuilt upon the old base

For her peace, comfort and safety sure

New friendship must be built true and pure

No signs of the old man that I used to be

Can be found anywhere for her to see

For her love again we must become friends

Once we have that who knows how it ends

If she never comes back as my sweet wife

I pray good friends we will be for life

Composed at 7:29am 6/28/2013

What lead to this poem?

Dinner with her the night of 6/27 at Applebee’s.

Just her and I sat and talked for over an hour.

We talked and laughed and shared our hearts.

I spoke to her of my unending love and regret.

She spoke to me of her battle inside.

She spoke to me for the first time about her best girl friend.

Details long hidden for fear of my coldness and anger.

She spoke of needing to leave to see IF she wanted to come back.

I will NOT hinder her plans to escape.

With what I have done to her over the years she has earned the right.

After dinner we went to Autozone and she picked out new wiper blades.

I installed them for her.

Dropped her off for a 10 minute tan.

Picked up dinner for our 15 year old.

Got a movie at redbox from grocery.

Went home got in bed and watched it.

Spent over 2 hours massaging her feet, legs, butt, back, neck and head.

I might not ever get her back but I will be she will be able to say that last 5 months of our marriage she was loved and adored!

God Redemption:

She is going

Plain to see

Her inner fear

Stares at me

The trusts gone

The hearts broke

My love leaves

My tears soak

Crying to God

Not this please

Hands go up

Down on knees

Prays rise high

Spirits sink low

To his throne

The lamb goes

My name before

The king sounds

This one seeks

And has found

He has mercy

From my cross

Let him keep

What was loss

Whole she stands

By my side

Aglow with love

A renewed bride

WWZ

Hey everyone!
Thought I would switch the brain over from words to images for a little while.
Got to thinking about ZOMBIES after watching the trailer for the new Brad Pitt movie WWZ!
Hmmmm, I said, are zombies cool?
Well,,,,,YES! They are cool!
But WHY are they cool?
Hmmmmmm....they never say anything stupid!
Kinda like The Fonz (Older people will get it...younger ones will have to Youtube it)
They never drive like idiots!
They never use foul words!
They never worry about what they will wear to dinner!
They never worry about their hair!
They never ask to borrow money!
They ALWAYS leave the toilet seat up...or down...depending on how it was when they got there.
They never leave dishes or clothes laying around for others to pick up!
They never leave the gas tank empty!
They never use the wrong fork in a formal setting!
They will NOT do the YMCA dance no matter HOW many times you play it!
They will not butt into your conversation!
They wont try to get into your girls pants....just her mind!
The list could go on forever!
So if you, like me, like Zombies cause they RULE then check out my Zombie Nation stuff at cafepress!
I just sat down and threw the designs together!
Kind neat looking stuff for the Zombie lover in you!

http://www.cafepress.com/zombienationohiodepartmentofzombies
If you have ever driven by an ODOT (Ohio Dep of transportation) job and seen the 3 guys pointing into a hole that one guys is digging then you will love these Tee's. I changed ODOT to ODOZ or Ohio Dept of Zombies. Watching Zombies work on the highways would be about what we get now only a tiny bit slower!

http://www.cafepress.com/ZombieNationZombieU
Zombie University were the dead learn? Anyway, the logo is cool and the stuff rules so check it out and party till you drool! Ewww

http://www.cafepress.com/ZombieNationFBZ
After the FBI came the FBZ....they are interested in your mind at all times!

http://www.cafepress.com/ZombieNationAZF
Alcohol, Zombies and Firearms! Now there is a great combo for a Sat night in Georgia! Who's bringing the chips and suds?

http://www.cafepress.com/zombienationfoz
For those involved in law enforcement I give you the Fraternal Order of Zombies! When the police start to worry more about whats in your head than in your pocket its time to bar the shelter doors till the radiation drop to safer levels!

http://www.cafepress.com/zombienationyouralreadydead
And the orginal idea! Zombie Nation stuff! Cool logo and even cooler stuff!

Thanks for putting up with my little info-mmercial! Just trying to drum up some fast food and movie money!


Thanks
Mark

Childs Love

These words

Say much

Like kids

Tiny touch

Little hands

Hold tight

Offers comfort

From fright

Crying eyes

Bring tears

Moms smile

Dispels fears

Hearts love

Offers all

To them

Child small

Viper and Tigers

Like a viper lays wait in the green

Only striking at what can be seen

Like a tiger lays still in the grass

Only striking as the animals pass

We lay in wait for loved ones dear

And savage them when they are near

With venom as black as hells coal

We sink dripping fangs in the soul

With fangs as sharp as a villainious dart

We drive harsh dark words into the heart

With razor claws of hardened strife

We rip the loved ones right out of our life

Love deserved

The most damage we do in life

Is with words of anger and strife

The anger at strangers who stray

Is fleeting as we travel our way

The most damage we do is reserved

For those who’s love is not deserved

Destruction at a glance

Destruction at a glance

Damaged

Ravaged, mangled

Crushed, destroyed, shredded

Exposed, devalued, unloved, rejected

Pained, bruised, belittled, scared, scarred

Angered, humiliated, subjugated, subdued, confused

Life's gallery quote

“Don’t be surprised when the pictures you paint in private end up

 hanging in the gallery of your life’s work for all to see!”

Matthew

I built her a prison

I built her a prison dark and black,
To teach her some lessons,
Its walls are the darkest granite,
Chiseled from my hard heart,
Its bars forged from the steel,
I used in all my words,
Heated, molded, beaten and formed,
From the fear that I put in her,
The massive lock set and key,
I hung around her neck with spite,
Now she has broken free,
From the pain, rage and suffering,
I had heaped upon her heart,
And I find that I am a prisoner now,
In the prison I built for her.

Hard words make hard people

Dirty and tired I live with my choice,
Worn down and ragged she raised up her voice,

She told me my words so bitting and hard,
Had left her heart bitter and scared,

Now she finds herself wanting and in doubt,
Want to find what the rest of life is about,

And I stand here amazed at what I have done,
A beautiful women's self image so stunned,

My words the sword I plunged into her being,
Now from me shes is franticly fleeing,

Where there is no hope

Why God, oh why God have you not stepped in!
Did I not beg forvieness from this my dirty sin?

The open doors you slam shut in my very face,
The windows of heaven pour not out your grace,

The pressure mounts
The heat increases
The winds blows harder and harder
Your voice is gone
Your hand is still
My savior tarries longer
The lion roars
The sinners laugh
The valley dark
Is where my feet have landed
The road is rocky
The way is chocked
The evil one
Has me by the throat
I cant step back
I cant go forth
I can only stand
Where there is no hope

The Battleground

He stopped and looked long and hard across the battlefield. He knew this place very well. He had done battle here for over 3000 years. He knew every rock, slope, and hill. The landscape was the same and the enemy was the same. The faces that were different were the innocents caught in the battle.

He never sighed or roared at his adversaries. It was not in their nature to fret or rage. He just gripped his shield tight and started across the battlefield. He makes sure to pass wide of places where his kind and the enemy were locked in mortal combat around a bright blue flame.

In some places the struggle between the enemy and his kind raged and ebbed wildly. Sometimes lightening like bolts of blue would shoot from other blue flames and impact other blue flames. When this happened the enemy would howl in rage and his people would cheer praises.

Other times dark shapes darted into the battle and leaned into the flames and whispered.

In some places his people stood around the blue flame proclaiming victory and shouting praises. In other places the enemy snarled and howled in delight as the blue flame slowly faded into darkness.

The battles around the flames were small but fierce and he knew that his battle to come was going to be hard fought and long. As he moved towards his goal he sang praises to his master.

He knew he was getting close to his battle ground because the enemy was howling and cursing him. But at last he stood before a flickering blue flame, almost out, dying, sputtering, giving up. As he gazed into the flame a voice screeched “THIS ONE IS LOST DOG!! GO BACK TO YOUR MASTER AND BEG HIM FOR ANOTHER BATTLE

TO LOSE”
His response was simply to say softly “Thy will be done”. At that the enemy unsheathed a bright red blade that spewed fire and sulfur as he waved it about. With a loud scream he swung it with all his might at the flickering blue flame screaming “YOU HAVE LOST! SHE IS MINE!”

At those words a blinding sword stroke blocked the enemies falling blade! “This one is not yours YET! The master’s will is not yet done here” he said in a level voice full of calm and assurance as he held the smoking blade with his own over the blue flame.

“She will be MINE” shouted the unholy one, “see how her flame flickers and dies! See how she is losing contact with YOU! Soon she will be mine to present to MY master! And he will reward me! He will promote me! He will give me a place in his coming kingdom and all I had to do was deliver the soul of Brandy Ingram to him!”

“She has given up hope and has stopped trying. She will never let your master help! To many years of child abuse, alcohol, sex, drugs and violence have made her hard and unforgiving. Now she is at rock bottom! Her mother was murdered, her children removed by the courts, she has warrants out for her arrest in several counties, he boyfriend dumped her and she has NO PLACE TO LIVE!”

As he spoke these words the blue flame came into focus. In that blue flame sat what once was a lovely young women, now twisted by life choices and sin into a gaunt, dirty, confused creature. Her hollow eyes stared vacantly into space. In her hand was a razor blade. Her sleeves rolled up she was ready to take the only step she could think of to escape her nightmare.

Closing her eyes she moves the blade to her wrist. As she drew in her last breath a blue lightening bolt struck the flame.  As it struck you could hear the voice of an elderly women saying “Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! Please my mighty Lord hear my cry! Lord where ever my grandbaby Brandy is show yourself to her! Lord, I know she is not saved! I know she is in danger! Please Lord, protect her Lord, protect her!!!”

At those words the blade paused over the wrist. The enemy went right into action! “Brandi, you are a loser! You have NOTHING to live for! Your children are gone, your mother dead, your father never even knew you existed, you were molested as a girl, and you know what you have done to get another fix! End it now and rest! Use the blade and you will be free!”

As those words left his mouth another lightening bolt stuck the flame! “Dear Lord, Beth asked that I pray for her granddaughter, Brandi. Lord, if she is not saved I beg you to intervene in her life and show her your TRUE love for her….” And then another struck…”Lord we gather her together to pray for Brandi. Lord touch her, heal her, save her. We know that you weep over every lost sinner. Jesus save her soul before it’s too late!” Suddenly bolt after bolt after bolt was sticking the flame.

As the bolts struck the flame grew large and brighter. The enemy shrunk back as the shadows shrank. Screaming and cursing they retreated. The guardian stood and let the flames envelope him until he disappeared in them. The flame around Brandi was bigger and clearer now. As she sat there, she dropped the blade, buried her head in her hands, and cried out thru her tears “LORD…I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY OR DO BUT PLEASE HELP ME!!!”

As those words left her mouth a mountain of a man appeared at her side. He was dressed in an old army field jacket, blue jeans and work boots. His head was covered by a knit cap that let his golden hair fall to his shoulders. He bent down and picked her up as if picking up a baby. He hugged her close and whispered in her ear “fear not, for I know who can save you.”

Brandi sighed and leaned her head into his shoulder as he carried her towards a small, dingy church whose gospel music softly spread around the block like a cool, low fog on a hot summer’s night.

We lose sight of our brave warrior as he enters the church doors. By this time the demon has called in reinforcements. A body of twisted, dirty, vain beings danced around the now brilliant flame. Shouting, cursing, and screaming at Brandi to come out and taste her old vices.

Suddenly the blue flame burst into a roaring pillar of blue light. The demons screamed and fled as a man appears next to the flame! He is perfect! His eyes shine with peace, love, and joy! He takes his hand and cups the flame at it base. The flame now shimmers in his hand. He holds up the flame and in a commanding voice asks “Brandi Ingram has given her life to me! Who thinks they can take her from my hand?”

The voice rings across the battleground and the roar of the demons stop. In all their false power and fake wisdom they know the answer. They KNOW no one can take her soul away from the savior. They know that once Jesus has you in his hands you cannot be removed from his love. Jesus carries away the soul of Brandi Ingram he glances at the warrior and smiles. “Well done my faithful servant, well done.”

Anger Misplaced

SHARED CUSTODY SCHEDULE

Today I have done something that I never dreamed that I would have to do. Today I typed the schedule for dividing up my children’s life between my lovely, soon to be, ex-bride and myself. With simple pressure on square keys I have whittled down all the things that make childhood memories more precious than wealth, health, or wisdom into days with me and days with her.

No longer will my children:

·         Wake up on non school days and be able to snuggle in bed with mommy and daddy.

·         Be able to seek mommy’s or daddy’s help, opinion, attention, approval, advice or any other interaction that children need to do face to face on a daily basis when with the other parent.

·         See mommy and daddy talking and laughing together as a pattern for when they marry someday.

·         Watch and learn how parents support and nurture each other daily.

·         Feel the security that no matter what, mommy and daddy will always put their welfare before their own needs.

·         Drift off to sleep in the car listening to mommy and daddy talking together.

The list could go on and on but I weary of the effort and the battle drags me down. 

How terrible it must be to NOT have ever had any of these memories of your own.

How terrible to say “They will be just fine” when ALL evidence screams against that lie from the depth of hell. Saying that is like saying that I will be alive tomorrow. You have NO promise that you will rise from your bed the next morning. And you have NO promise that the children will be just fine tomorrow. What evidence show is that you are promised something, you are promised that they WILL have scars that will not surface for YEARS!

So there it is.

I did it under protest.

I did it under threat.

I did it under distress.

I did it because I HAD to.

The anger I have for her for this action pales in comparison to what I have done to her over the years. Its is so very sad to think that she would be willing to risk her children’s emotional and possible physical future JUST to get away from me and what I have done to her. What I did was evil and has scarred her so badly that her only options are fight or flight. What a sad, sad man I must have been to activate those emotions inside this fantastic women.

What happening now is a direct reflection of what I have done to her over the years. The entire burden for this lie squarely on MY shoulders. She cannot feel safe unless she leaves. She states that she does not know when the ticking time bomb inside me will explode and I will become the same angry, evil, hateful man I used to be. She fears me and I have given her no reason to feel otherwise. 17 years of anger, pain and dejection are not wiped clean by 9 weeks of the perfect husband and gentleman performance. She needs proof and only time tells the whole story.

So now I must wait. Wait to see if she can love me again. If she finds enough change in me that she can trust her heart to me again. I MUST become the man she wants or I will fail.

I hold little hope she will come back but if she does not I can’t let it be from lack of trying on my part. I might fail but it WILL NOT be because I did not try!

My Tormentor is Me

The stones come in so fast and hard

I have not time to throw up my guard

The crack of the stones as they crush my bones

Stuns the senses till my soul howls and moans

Dripping, glistening and red at my feet they lay

Piled upon each other, growing larger each day

I look closely at each one and there appears to be

Writing in black on each stone almost too small to see

The words? Arrogance, pride, distrust, rage, and greed

Lie, deceit, hate and malice, each one an evil seed

Straining to see who is hurling these missiles my way

I catch a shadowy glimpse of him and start to sway

He smiles with a glint in his eye as he hefts another stone

Then he shouts “here, this is one more evil you have sown”

And then I see something that melts my soul away

At his side are the terrible accumulations of all my ways

An oaken barrel with blood read bands the stones are all stored in

And written in demonic script on the barrel are my married sin

In big bold letters of blood red hate these words crushed my soul

“These are the stones he rained on her, she paid the price in full”

Now give them back to him with the interest paid in part

And see if he can take the same pain he inflicted on her heart

I cry out in pain as I read those words so cruel

The voice my tormentor shouts out “YOU FOOL”

“You had the best of everything she could ever give”

“But in the blindness of your sin you forgot to live”

“She loved you with all her heart and soul and might”

“And all you did was treat her love as if it were a blight”

“And now you wallow in the pain caused by your own spears”

“All your efforts to chase a goal now choke on your tears”

I raised my eyes still burning with grief, fear, and pain

And strive to see this evil being who is my earthly bain

For a moment my vision clear as I look him full in the eye

I reel back in blind horror to realize that the hurler is I

Anvil of heaven

The Anvil of heaven

The mighty Smith stands in front of the fire

Pulling the bellows with arms that never tire

Hotter and hotter and hotter he commands the fires heat

For he needs the hottest of fires for the metal needs treat

Now into the fire he thrusts the dirty, broken parts

He watches them changes as the process starts

First they smoke thick and black

As the coating of filth starts to crack

Then they hiss, steam and roil

As the sewage inside starts to boil

Then slowly but surely the blackness in them fades

And each piece begins brightening by varying shades

Till the broken pieces are as bright as the sun

It is now that the Smithy perfect work has begun

With tongs of steel he removes each one

Onto his anvil for the work to be done

In rhythmic cadence the hammer strokes land

The metal softens and molds in his mighty hand

Soon the glowing pieces start to take shape

The Smithy’s hammer they cannot escape

Blow after blow the mighty arms swing

Always focused on just this one thing

Till at last the pieces are combined as one

His will never let up till this work was done

In his hands the masterpiece takes rest

Beautiful, new, and perfect it is blessed

Who is this craftsman that can work this great wonder

Making the new out of what has been torn asunder

The master is God

His pieces my heart

The filth my sins

The furnace his love

The hammer his will

The anvil his throne

Cracked, dirty, and broken by sin was my heart

He gathered up the pieces when my life fell apart

Cast into the furnace of love where fire never ceases

To burn all my sins out of all the little pieces

Cleansed of the sins the master could forge anew

The pieces of my heart into something brand new

Each blow by the hammer surged with pain

But the loving master could not refrain

His will will be done on earth and in my heart

Getting me ready for his new fresh start

My sins forgiven

The damage repaired

New life is given

Restoration declared

Its hard to imagine when you are young that what you do in private will be screamed from the housetops when you get older! But reality sends rainchecks wrapped around bricks for past deeds. I have pretty much run lifes race with a mirror next to me. On my side of the glass I do the right things...take the family to church, pray, help the needy, tithe, dont drink, cuss or chew and dont date girls who do! I have been employed for 15 years at a great paying job with incredible flex hours and the list goes on.

BUT in the mirror I see an angry man. A man that demanded military standards for his kids, turned off all emotions for his lovely bride when she made a mistake, refused to spend a dime on candy, cards or flowers. Was nicer to strangers than his own family. That man has been running next to me since I was in my early teens. And he is EVIL! Name all the crimes on the books and he has had a part in almost all of them. Not violently in 99% of the cases but involved none the less. But his days are ended!

The mirror was shattered 9 weeks ago when my lifemate asked to be free of my hate, misery and pain. Like a lightining bolt to the body my life clenched, shook, smoked and died right then. As I went down I kicked the mirror and it shattered. The angry man died that day! His world revolved around me being a double agent. A man with a closet full of bodys. Without me participating in his world it shattered. Now he is gone and another man has replaced him and me.

The new man has been given the task of completing his lifes journey with Jesus's words ringing in his ears....DO NO HARM TO OTHERS. (paraphrased) Now I am researching how to communicate with others gently and respectfuly. I have adopted a gentle tone and stance when speaking. I take notice of those I love find value in and look for the value in it myself. I let my kids have treats when we are out. I spend money on them freely. I take time to treat them with love and gentleness so that they can see that they are special to me.

In the end she is going to leave me. She is a fantastic women who deserves to be happy and live fear free. She is so good as to ask that we dont agree to everything before we sign the papers. We have a fairly even schedule for shared parenting. We will sell the house and split the equity evenly. She wants no money and I will not take hers. She wants us to be good friends as we will be seeing each other alot as the kids grow and move on in life. I mourn the loss of my family. I mourn the loss of my lifemate. I mourn the damage to the kids. I mourn what I have created. But the seeds of this destruction were planted YEARS ago by a reflection of myself with an evil glint in his eyes.

So there it is. The plan is in place and progressing. I will not fight her for anything. She has the scars to show she earned that right. I love her and will miss her deeply. But her life is not mine to control, it never has been.

What life means

Today began the usual way
Kids and covers strewn around
Cramped and stiff from sleeping on the bed edge
I roll out of the tangle of tiny feet & pointy elbows
Sad but true I deny the alarm clock its one true mission
By hitting the button before it can sound its wake up call
Staggering on my feet across the bedroom floor
I find the handle to the bathroom door
Swing it open and flip the switch
Eyes glue themselves shut to protest the brightness
Force one open enough to convince the other one its ok
Hit the shower at a stagger
Pop out, dry off, spray, shave and brush
On with the cloths and out the door
Rush to my metal box full of paper to solve the days problems
BUT
Hanging on my mind in all this action is
one
simple
painful
truth
She is leaving me
Not for another man
Not to see what else is out there
Not for lack of love for me
But for her own safety
She fears me and my anger
The curse of an angry man
How I wish I could explain it to her
The boss at work screams to get things done
We scream at each when angry
We scream at ball games
We scream greetings at each other
We scream for joy
We scream just so scream
Its our culture...our communication skills
Its nothing personal, we just scream out of nature

But she is a good women and after all these years of trying she is seeking safety.
I will not deny her her day of freedom.
I will let her go as a friend and pray that she comes back a lover.
If not, we will share a lifetime as good friends with children.
I deserve no more from her and she deserves better than me.


A new me emerges from the ashes.
Calm, peaceful, dedicated to serving others.
I will model Jesus in all I do.
She may never some back but it wont be because I gave up or blew up.

I love her forever