Anger Misplaced

SHARED CUSTODY SCHEDULE

Today I have done something that I never dreamed that I would have to do. Today I typed the schedule for dividing up my children’s life between my lovely, soon to be, ex-bride and myself. With simple pressure on square keys I have whittled down all the things that make childhood memories more precious than wealth, health, or wisdom into days with me and days with her.

No longer will my children:

·         Wake up on non school days and be able to snuggle in bed with mommy and daddy.

·         Be able to seek mommy’s or daddy’s help, opinion, attention, approval, advice or any other interaction that children need to do face to face on a daily basis when with the other parent.

·         See mommy and daddy talking and laughing together as a pattern for when they marry someday.

·         Watch and learn how parents support and nurture each other daily.

·         Feel the security that no matter what, mommy and daddy will always put their welfare before their own needs.

·         Drift off to sleep in the car listening to mommy and daddy talking together.

The list could go on and on but I weary of the effort and the battle drags me down. 

How terrible it must be to NOT have ever had any of these memories of your own.

How terrible to say “They will be just fine” when ALL evidence screams against that lie from the depth of hell. Saying that is like saying that I will be alive tomorrow. You have NO promise that you will rise from your bed the next morning. And you have NO promise that the children will be just fine tomorrow. What evidence show is that you are promised something, you are promised that they WILL have scars that will not surface for YEARS!

So there it is.

I did it under protest.

I did it under threat.

I did it under distress.

I did it because I HAD to.

The anger I have for her for this action pales in comparison to what I have done to her over the years. Its is so very sad to think that she would be willing to risk her children’s emotional and possible physical future JUST to get away from me and what I have done to her. What I did was evil and has scarred her so badly that her only options are fight or flight. What a sad, sad man I must have been to activate those emotions inside this fantastic women.

What happening now is a direct reflection of what I have done to her over the years. The entire burden for this lie squarely on MY shoulders. She cannot feel safe unless she leaves. She states that she does not know when the ticking time bomb inside me will explode and I will become the same angry, evil, hateful man I used to be. She fears me and I have given her no reason to feel otherwise. 17 years of anger, pain and dejection are not wiped clean by 9 weeks of the perfect husband and gentleman performance. She needs proof and only time tells the whole story.

So now I must wait. Wait to see if she can love me again. If she finds enough change in me that she can trust her heart to me again. I MUST become the man she wants or I will fail.

I hold little hope she will come back but if she does not I can’t let it be from lack of trying on my part. I might fail but it WILL NOT be because I did not try!