Its hard to imagine when you are young that what you do in private will be screamed from the housetops when you get older! But reality sends rainchecks wrapped around bricks for past deeds. I have pretty much run lifes race with a mirror next to me. On my side of the glass I do the right things...take the family to church, pray, help the needy, tithe, dont drink, cuss or chew and dont date girls who do! I have been employed for 15 years at a great paying job with incredible flex hours and the list goes on.

BUT in the mirror I see an angry man. A man that demanded military standards for his kids, turned off all emotions for his lovely bride when she made a mistake, refused to spend a dime on candy, cards or flowers. Was nicer to strangers than his own family. That man has been running next to me since I was in my early teens. And he is EVIL! Name all the crimes on the books and he has had a part in almost all of them. Not violently in 99% of the cases but involved none the less. But his days are ended!

The mirror was shattered 9 weeks ago when my lifemate asked to be free of my hate, misery and pain. Like a lightining bolt to the body my life clenched, shook, smoked and died right then. As I went down I kicked the mirror and it shattered. The angry man died that day! His world revolved around me being a double agent. A man with a closet full of bodys. Without me participating in his world it shattered. Now he is gone and another man has replaced him and me.

The new man has been given the task of completing his lifes journey with Jesus's words ringing in his ears....DO NO HARM TO OTHERS. (paraphrased) Now I am researching how to communicate with others gently and respectfuly. I have adopted a gentle tone and stance when speaking. I take notice of those I love find value in and look for the value in it myself. I let my kids have treats when we are out. I spend money on them freely. I take time to treat them with love and gentleness so that they can see that they are special to me.

In the end she is going to leave me. She is a fantastic women who deserves to be happy and live fear free. She is so good as to ask that we dont agree to everything before we sign the papers. We have a fairly even schedule for shared parenting. We will sell the house and split the equity evenly. She wants no money and I will not take hers. She wants us to be good friends as we will be seeing each other alot as the kids grow and move on in life. I mourn the loss of my family. I mourn the loss of my lifemate. I mourn the damage to the kids. I mourn what I have created. But the seeds of this destruction were planted YEARS ago by a reflection of myself with an evil glint in his eyes.

So there it is. The plan is in place and progressing. I will not fight her for anything. She has the scars to show she earned that right. I love her and will miss her deeply. But her life is not mine to control, it never has been.