Sept 06 2013

Well I have quit crying from pain and frustration over her actions. There is nothing I can do to change her heart. She has to want to make the change. I cant force her to love me again. All I can do is model Jesus for her. Doing that not only shows her I have changed but it changes me. The more I seek to love her the more I DO lover her. The more I seek to distance myself from her the more distant I become.

I have NOT given up faith that God is going to fix this marriage. I HAVE given up hoping that He will heal it suddenly soon. Its not that I don't think he can, its just that I CANT care when He fixes it anymore. I trust that He is moving at the speed that He needs to bring us back together again perfectly and I go on with my life as best I can.

I am getting back into the Church again. I am probably not praying enough but I do speak to almost constantly as if He were right next to me. And He speaks to me in phone calls, radio shows, things I see and hear, people stopping by and many other ways. He DOES speak clearly to me in those ways.

He spoke to me one day as I struggled to convince myself to get up and get ready to go to Church. He said "Do you think I want you to not go to Church?" I said "nooooo." He said "Then who wants to keep you away?" "Satan!?" I said. "You got it, now get moving!" he said.

The reasons for my conviction that God will put this back together? Well God says "He (God) works and who can stop Me!?" Malachi: "God HATES divorce!" Many people are praying for us....and I am not talking bout the casual prayers BUT the gray haired granny's that keep the chatter box in heaven full all the time! They WONT shut up so God has to give up for some peace! LOL

I am finding myself being drawn away from her. Lord, is that your will or am I allowing the world liar to get a foothold in my marriage again? Lord please give me wisdom to act in a way that will bring You honor! Don't let me speak without seeking Your heart first! Keep me on the straight road and filled the Peace that YOU can and will save this marriage!

Lord, please expose anything that hinders her from seeking Your will and the recovery of this marriage. Lord, lay bare the underlying causes for her hardened heart and iron will. Lord, address those issues and build her back up again. Bring her back home to You and then the family!

Amen

What GOD will do in a divorce!

I think I finally GOT IT!!!
I CANNOT make her ignite that spark of love for me again!
SHE has to ignite it on her own.
SHE has to see it and want it again.
SHE has to forgive me for past actions.
SHE has to have the WANT to forgive me.
SHE has to WANT to spend her life with me again.
SHE has to GET OVER THE PAIN AND HEAL HER OWN HEART!
WHEN she does THIS she will want to put the family back together.

Its that simple!

My role in all this is simple as well.
All I must do is GIVE it to GOD with JOY!
Now that sounds trite to those in pain right now and I am sorry BUT lets look closer at it!
IF you are a Christian then you know that God loves you.
IF she is a Christian then you know that God loves her.
IF this is your first marriage then you must know that God brought the two of you together for his glory.
Then you must know that what GOD put together that no man (or women) can take apart.
You also know that God states strongly in the old test the he HATES divorce.
So to put it together simply:
1) GOD put you two together
2) GOD can not lie
3) GOD can not do evil
4) GOD sees divorce as evil
5) GOD forgives ALL sins..EVERY KIND OF SIN!
6) GOD calls you to be Christ like and that requires that YOU forgive ALL those who sin against you.
7) GOD calls you to be Christ like and LOVE those that do you wrong...no choice..LOVE all.
8) GOD will not allow PEACE in the heart of a sinning Christian.
9) GOD will not allow PEACE in the heart of a Christian seeking divorce.
10) GOD is a God of restoration...look at how he restored Israel OVER and OVER again! HE LOVES IT!
11) GOD WILL restore your marriage IF YOU give him the time and get out of the way.

I know that last one is the toughy.
You want SOOOOO badly to save the family from the pain but you cant.
You think you can but you cant. I tried for over 4 months to win her back but to no avail.
I am SURE I have made a difference BUT she is dedicated to getting out.

So here is the summary of my efforts so far:
I cant make her stay with actions.
I cant make her stay with words.
I cant make her stay with works.
I cant make her stay thru prayer.
I cant make her stay with emotions.
I cant make her stay with my will.

having tried all those I have been shown by God that here is how it MUST work for HIM to work.
I have to give it to him in mind, body and heart.
How do I do this?
If you are still at the point that you cry when you see pics then you are not ready for this step.
When you have reached the point where you cant cry any more then you are ready.
Once that point is reached its time for step 2.
GIVE IT TO GOD and find joy in what you have at hand.
How do you do that?
Simple....GOD's LOVES to give us gifts!
Look to the future that GOD has for you.
It will be GREAT!
He is working on it.
If you give it to him he will fix the rust, replace the interior, re-build the engine, paint it a wonderful color and give it back to you in great shape, hot and running perfect.

Since pain, anger, rage, mis trust and other negative emotions have done nothing to improve the situation try something that WILL work.....
GOD.....he NEVER lets you down.
Give it to him...
Have you trusted your eternal soul to Him thru Jesus?
Is that not the most IMPORTANT thing you do in your life?
How much would you pay to have your kids eternal souls promised to heaven?
Everything I would wager!
If you have trusted him with your soul then it will be easy to let him have your breaking marriage.
Trust him to save it just like you did your eternal soul.
Give it to him with the same JOY that you knew the minute you were saved!
Remember the burdens that were lifted the day you were saved?
The pain fled, the peace of God rested on you.
The peace of God was in you.
Blessed assurance was your in that God was now in control of your LIFE!
Now have the blessed assurance that God is now in control of HER life...and He HATE divorce.
So sit back, love her, laugh and relax in the arms of Jesus.
He has this under control.
He NEVER lets go of what is His!
He wont let your marriage go....ever...and you must not let it go either.
Hold on and trust Him to put it back together in His time!

I hope this helps anyone out!

Aug 28th 2013:

The weight of the burden I carry bows my back, weakens my legs, crushes my spine.

The weights of life

There are hard times in life
Filled with sorrow, pain and stife

The carefree days dim and wane
Replaced with days of fear and pain

Joy and love fade from your face
As sorrow and hate take their place

Security and peace cant be found
When fear and rage are all around

Grace and mercy will not stand fast
Under the shadow unforgiveness cast

The most faithful servant withers and dies
Drained of life under distrust's weary eyes

When these weights of life are chained to you
Your once peaceful happy walk thru life is thru

Each second is measured by each breath you take
As your heart crieds out for a single seconds break

But we must carry these heavy weights on this bitter trek
Searching for an ending to this life that seems a wreck

To be continued.......

Please note that God WILL heal the broken heart, life, soul, spirit BUT it takes TIME!!!
Give him TIME so that he CAN keep his promise.
With God ALL things are possible....
ALL, ALL, ALL, ALL, ALL, ALL, ALL, ALL THINGS are possible!
Not just some or some IF THEN situation!
IF she does this THEN God can do this....
NO! That is not what it says!
It says Ask and you shall receive thru faith!
God will NOT take over a persons body to make them do his will like a zombie.
He has many other ways of doing it....

I will explain later!

Keep STANDING for YOUR marriage under Gods promises and GOD will honor your faith!

August 26, 2013

We had a good/bad weekend together. We spent all weekend with the kids together playing and laughing. I tried to make it stress free for her but I could not. I could not help feeling like I was eating my last meal WITH the gallows master about to hang me and he kept asking why so glum? Why can’t you just loosen up and have FUN! It’s hard to explain. She WANTS to spend time with myself and the kids AND she WANTS to leave me BUT still spend time with myself and the kids AFTER she leaves......Hmmmm....Seems as if someone is confused about what they want.

No matter! She IS praying for Gods guidance and HE is not letting her have a moments rest about it! SHE wants to make SURE she is doing the right thing and HE is telling her that it is NOT the right thing and SHE is going ahead with it anyway! Ha Ha Ha! The PAIN train is on her tracks and she is feeling the heat! Not that I am rejoicing in her pain but I can’t help but to be amazed at the amount of resistance she is giving God to make this happen.

Once again, no matter, GOD WILL break her down. GOD WILL sweep her up. GOD WILL fix her heart. GOD WILL bring her back to himself. GOD WILL bring her back to the family! It’s THAT simple!

He promised
I asked
I believed
He worked
He blessed
I received

The word of God is simply this. IF you give it to God with the faith that God will work it out, not for YOUR will, but for HIS glory, HE will have his way. Just the fact that I gave her the option of taking the kids without me yesterday and she almost begging me to come along gives PROOF that she WANTS to try and build this up and that GOD is drowning her in doubt. That doubt is eating her alive! She KNOWS that she is NOT in his will. She KNOWS that he wants us to stay together. She KNOWS that he HATES divorce. She KNOWS that she is running to find a place of peace that is only going to give pain and loneliness.

She wants to find peace in a PLACE. She can only find peace inside her person! She looks for self respect by breaking the trust of her children. They never fear that mommy or daddy won’t be there one day and now she is the one making that fear reality for them. When she realizes this her self respect will plummet. She thinks that by moving out into her own place she will be able to sort out her thoughts. She will only find loneliness when I have the kids and she comes home to an empty house full of silence and stillness. She will find that her thoughts do not take THAT much space and place to sort thru.

It may sound self-righteous, but I have taken a DEEP long look at myself and deep down inside I am a Christian. God speaks to me ALL the time. I don’t hear it 99.999% of the time BUT the voice still whispers in my ear. Its like a single strand of spider web brushing across the ear as it floats by....you feel it for a split second, you reach up to see what it is and its gone....not there and you wonder if it was ever there. That is how HE speaks to me. That is what I hear. Whispers, nudges, faint voices from far away. I yearn to hear His voice clearly guiding me but He cant or wont work that way for me.

The same applies to her. She IS a child of Christ. She has a HEART for Christ. She has become jaded by workload and by what I have done to her over time. The two combined to form a deadly pool in her soul. Now God must drain the pool and clean the soul in order for her to come to herself again. She WANTS to, she longs to, she fights to, she fears to.

One day soon God's work in her heart will be completed. She will find freedom by submitting to his mastery, by giving it ALL to Him to care for. Once she does this and listens to his voice she will find the peace to put the family back together.

I am not so blind as to NOT see that GOD might be waiting on ME to see something as well...but I can fix that easy enough!

Loving Father on your perfect throne of love, mercy, and forgiveness.

Please forgive me of my many sins over the past weekend. Please search me and bring those sins that I have not repented for to my mind so I can seek the forgiveness needed to make wide the path I walk with you on. I need the path so wide that I can walk WITH Jesus, not ahead of him or behind him. AMEM.

Lord, please let me know if there is something I still need to learn in this ongoing battle WE (You, Lori, me and satan) are having with divorce. Am I hindering the widening of the path the Lori is taking back to YOUR will? Am I doing something OR NOT doing something that needs done to meet a goal or goals that you require before you can or will move us closer to coming back together? If I am missing something please make it bright and clear to me as well as the way to bring it inline with your will! Please Lord, don’t let me be the hindrance to bringing this painful chapter in our life’s to a swift close. Lord, I cannot do anything alone BUT I can do anything THRU you! Lord, heal my marriage, heal my wife, heal my kids, and heal me. Lord I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that YOU are going to restore this marriage and family. You would NOT have given me this amazing desire and drive the see it thru if you had not intended from the beginning to put it back together. I thank you for being a faithful God who honors His word.

Mark 9:23 "If you can?" said Jesus. "EVERYTHING is possible for one who believes."

Philippians 4:13 "I can do anything thru Christ who strengthens me."

Matthew 19:26 "with GOD all things are possible."

Mark 10:27 "for with God all things are possible."

Luke 1:37 "For with God nothing shall be impossible."

Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

John 5:14-15 “We are quite confident that if we ask Him for anything, and it is in accordance with His will, He will hear us; and knowing that whatever we ask, He hears us, we know that we have already been granted what we asked of Him.”

James 5:13 “If any one of you is in trouble, he should pray; if anyone is feeling happy, he should sing a psalm.”

Matthew 18:19-20 “If two of you on earth agree to ask anything at all, it will be granted by my Father in heaven. For where two or three meet in my name, I shall be there with them.”

Philippians 4:6-7 “There is no need to worry; but if there is anything you need, pray for it, asking God for it with prayer and thanksgiving, and that peace of God, which is so much greater than we can understand, will guard your hearts and your thoughts, in Christ Jesus.”

Matthew 17:20 "And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you."

Mark 11:24 "Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive [them], and ye shall have [them]."

Job 42:2 "I know that thou canst do every [thing], and [that] no thought can be withholden from thee."

Genesis 18:14 "Is any thing too hard for the LORD?"

Jeremiah 32:17 "Ah Lord GOD! behold, thou hast made the heaven and the earth by thy great power and stretched out arm, [and] there is nothing too hard for thee"

Isaiah 46:10 "Declaring the end from the beginning, and from ancient times [the things] that are not [yet] done, saying, My counsel shall stand, and I will do all my pleasure:"

Proverbs 3:6 "In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."

Your word is CLEAR! If I BELIEVE YOU WILL DELIVER! Lord, I AM CERTAIN that our marriage WILL survive this onslaught by the evil one. I AM CERTAIN that YOU will deliver her again to the family. I AM CERTAIN that you are, right now, preparing her heart to unite with mine again. I AM CERTAIN that there is NOTHING going to stop YOU from bringing this to pass!

Lord please bless us and guide our ways thru this learning experience today. Lord, lead my path, guide my heart, still my tongue, and shield my mind today so that I am able, at the end of the day, to declare my life, for this day, as a victory for you! AMEN!!!

So there it is...the road looks rough but God is smooth!
The way looks long but God has a long reach!
The path looks painful but God is the great healer!

God, please take my marriage, family and life today and use it to bring glory and honor to YOU! Amen!

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Free will and GOD

Aug 23, 2013


GOD is no respecter of persons.
What he has done for others, he will do for me, but it takes faith.
The kind of faith that looks at the circumstances and says, “So what, what does it matter what she says, does, or thinks?” Your wife has been taken captive by satan to do his will.
He is whispering in her ear, guiding her heart and mind away from GOD.
You have a choice of believing what comes out of your wife’s mouth or what the Word of GOD says.
My GOD tells me that with Him NOTHING is impossible….does not make any exceptions there about your wife’s “WILL.”
Let those words sink in. “With GOD ALL THING, ALL THINGS, ALL THINGS, ALL THINGS are possible.”
GOD tells us that whatsoever we will (ask), believing (it will be done), and it shall be done for us.
Do you notice any clause in your Bible that prohibits GOD from acting?
Does it say that whatsoever we will, as long as we don’t cuss, lust, cheat, lie, steal, or sin in general, and it shall be done?
No, it is very clear, WITH GOD ALL THINGS, not some things, no only what you have earned thru prayer or service or being good, but ALL things.
We can translate “ALL” to everything GOD loves and NOTHING GOD hates!
We know in scriptures that GOD clearly states “I HATE DIVORCE!”
When GOD declares something that strongly you can take it to the bank that he will oppose it when his children ask that it be removed, healed or stopped.
So can a simple thing like a person's WILL stop GOD from acting on a faithful prayer based on scriptural foundation?
Only if you throw out Isaiah’s words “I WORK AND WHO CAN HINDER ME?”

Can a wife hinder HIS plans?
Can a judge null and void HIS plans?
Can a lawyer argue away HIS plans?
Can a lover sway with words of honey, HIS plans?
Can a friend advise away HIS plans?
Can a family push away HIS plans?

NO!!! None one can slow, stop, delay, divert, hinder, avert, re-route, undo, thwart or stall GOD plan!

And GOD’s plan NEVER contains divorce because it’s evil and GOD cannot tolerate evil in any form.

So there it is!

GOD WILL heal your marriage when YOUR faith lines up to HIS will for your marriage!

Uconditonal Love is when YOU.....

August 23rd 2013

18 weeks ago my life’s partner said she wanted out. Shocked, stunned, and confused my world crumbled! Now to be fair she did not just drop this on me out of the blue. For many years I was cold and distant to her in an effort to get her to share the financial information with me. I have always worried about saving money for the kids and retirement. She has always fought me on it. I tried many ways to get her to let me in but all failed so I devised a plan to shut her emotionally like she shut me out financially. Well it BACKFIRED big time!

Now she says she loves me but not like a wife should love her husband. She has bought a house and will be moving out soon. She asked that I work with her on filing for DIS. I have done all these things with as little resistance as I could manage because fighting for her to STAY against her will will only make her more determined to go. Showing her unconditional love will give her more reason to stay than to go. And that is what I am doing, giving her unconditional love.

UL is when YOU give the robber your watch when he demands your wallet.

UL is when YOU carry the soldiers pack 2 miles instead of 1.

UL is when YOU give a stranger who asks for your shirt your jacket as well.

UL is when YOU offer the right cheek after the left has been slapped.

UL is when YOU help her pack the kids stuff when SHE wants to leave you.

UL is when YOU look at homes for sale she wants to buy to leave with her.

UL is when YOU help her bring home furniture for HER new home so she does not have to hire movers.

UL is when YOU don’t fight her WHEN she asks for a divorce.

UL is when YOU don’t make the divorce a battleground that all that enter get wounded in.

UL is when YOU rub her feet and legs every night so she can relax knowing she is leaving you anyway.

UL is when YOU decide to let HER go and make a vow to be there when she comes back.

UL is when YOU tell her that YOU love her no matter where she goes or what she does.

UL is when YOU vow to never seek another lover as long as she lives and prepare for a long, lonely life,

UL is when YOU make sure that the home she is moving to is comfortable for her and the kids.

UL is when YOU do ALL these things KNOWING that she IS leaving no matter what.

UL is when YOU make a promise to GOD that YOU will wait for his plan to unfold without losing faith.

UL is when YOU make a pledge to not harbor anger, bitterness, resent, pain, and distrust towards her.

UL is when YOU give your word that you WILL take her back WHEN she comes back.

UL is when YOU let her go to GOD and let HIM deal with her heart, mind, and spirit.

UL is when YOU pray that she find peace and joy in the Lord no matter what road she takes.

UL is when YOU speak daily words of love to her KNOWING that they will not be returned.

UL is when YOU assure her that you love HER for who she is but that you HATE what she is doing.

UL is when YOU cherish each second with her knowing that someday soon she will be gone.

UL is when YOU choose to NEVER let anger loose when SHE seeks to destroy all YOU have built.

UL is when YOU remember that she is the same person you fell in love with years ago.

UL is when YOU make the choice to be like Jesus to her when she treats YOU like the devil.

UL is when YOU purpose to give her freedom from you in her vain attempt to find her freedom.

UL is when YOU keep your mouth closed when you want to scream words of pain and anger at her.

UL is when YOU push self down and lift her up to GOD's throne asking for him to forgive her.

UL is when YOU purge all anger from your heart and let the love of Christ flow freely from your heart.

UL is when YOU trust GOD's plan to save or recreate your marriage no matter how dark the road is.

UL is when YOU die to self and live for your family not matter what the cost to YOU! 

Now is the time of Job! 

All is taken from you.

The dogs of anguish rend your soul.

The worms of rage scar your heart.

The snakes of doubt poison your mind.

The lion of fear feasts on your flesh.

I know, I am there now!

BUT thru it all there is ONE thing that is constant! 

One thing that will NEVER change!

One truth that cannot be overlooked!

That is GOD and JESUS HATE divorce....period!

And if YOU are praying to GOD thru JESUS to protect or restore your marriage with faith and patience IT WILL BE DONE! Period, end of story, good bye! 

CAN GOD heal a marriage?

Aug 22, 2013

Will God heal a marriage? 

According to Biblical text he will.

“Whatever you ask for, thru Jesus Christ, God will do” is the most often Bible quote I have seen on the subject of can God do something.

Many a learned Biblical student has told me that verse is great BUT it does NOT discount HER free will to make up her mind to leave.

So where does that leave the Bible verse? 

Watered down, limp, shallow, weak! Is God bound to just sit back and wait for everyone to get close to him before he can get close to them?

What is He? A trap God….If ONLY he/she would get just a LITTLE closer I could GRAB them! I can’t image God saying “well, I WOULD have given him his hearts desire for a saved marriage BUT SHE would not listen to me when I pleaded with her to give him another chance Boo Hoo Hoo”!

HOGWASH!

That does NOT sound like the all powerful God that controls matter, time, and space with mere thoughts!

Is God SOOO weak that a pouting, angry, hurting, self distancing, backsliding Christian that will not listen to his voice, ignores his warnings, does not seeks his guidance and shuts his words out can stifle HIS will and plans?

Hmmmm, that thinking would render pathetic the bible verse that says “that NOTHING can stop God from performing his will!”

So WHAT does God think about Divorce?

Well we KNOW he HATES divorce!

Bible states it. I believe it! That settles it!

Marriage is the earthly image of Jesus and the Church!

Satan HATES anything that glorifies Jesus and the Church! Satan love divorce. Satan hates marriage under God. He hates it, I love it! That settles it!

God invented marriage right from the start!

Right after he called all things very good...BEFORE evil there was the marriage! So God created it in the absence of evil? It could NOT have existed in His presents at that time had there been any shadow of a sin in it! It was perfect! He took from Adam and made Eve. He took one being and made 2. After sin this was reversed, 2 NOW became one. So God made it first, before sin, then after sin he preserved it as a union. He must have REALLY liked it to keep it after the fall! Divorce is only mentioned with sin. Divorce is NEVER mentioned with blessings.

Marriage brings God glory thru children!

It is pointed out time and again in scriptures that Children are a blessing, glory, and honor. Well the devil doesn’t bless, glory or honor anything! So God must endorse marriage!

God will not bless unforgiveness!

Divorce is the ULTIMATE unforgiveness! Jesus forgave those that stripped the flesh off his bones, beat him, mocked him, spit in his face, drove spikes into his hands and feet and hung him on a cross to die in agony! What were some of his LAST words? "Forgiven them Father"!

IF we are to follow Jesus and his example then we MUST to be able to forgive anyone. This is critical for marriage! Two flawed sinners living together 24/7 are GOING to make mistakes! They are going to do it and not even realize it, maybe for years! But there MUST be forgiveness!

Let’s not let satan twist Gods forgiveness thru Jesus. Let’s say that Jesus forgave John for cussing and claiming to not know him BUT would not let John come around him anymore because of it? Is that TRUE forgiveness?

What if one of the soldiers that beat, abuse and killed Jesus repented and asked Jesus into his heart years after Jesus’ death? When the murder got to heaven would Jesus yell at him from a distance "Glad you made it, stay away from me"! No, Jesus was a forgive, forget, come over her and lets hug kind of guy? He would NEVER leave a repented, sanctified, forgiven sinner alone. No, he would have gone to them, hugged them, held their hand, inviting them to become intimate with him again. Since divorce is unforgiveness then we know that God is not in it.

So there it is! 

YES God will heal a marriage!

If ONE of you is praying that God will heal the marriage thru faith then God WILL heal the marriage IN faith!

Just keep reminding yourself that it HAS to be done in HIS time and on HIS terms, not yours!

Don’t be fooled into thinking that God is going to run up, smack them up side the head with the fools mallet and tell them to run back to you. It’s going to take HIS time and in that time your faith WILL be tested, your strength WILL fail, your heart WILL break, your mind WILL leave you tired and spent BUT…….BUT the work is ALREADY done thru Jesus!

They prayed it.

You believed it.

Jesus heard it.

God did it!

Simple Prayer:

Father in heaven, maker of all creation. 

Thank you for your only son, Jesus Christ and he death, burial, and resurrection. Thanks you for taking my sins away for all time!

Thank you Jesus for your willingness to die for ALL our sins! 

Lord please hear my cry and heal my marriage! My faith is weak and I doubt. 

Please God, make my faith STRONG, and remove my doubt! 

Give me JOY in knowing that you are not sitting idle waiting on our next moves! You are moving in our hearts and minds to heal the pains, bind the wounds, and soften the hearts! Your plan is in motion as we speak! Every minute that passes is one less minute we have to wait for our reunion! Every day brings us one day closer to our rebirth as a strong, mature, faithful couple.

Lord, pour your love, grace, mercy, forgiveness and peace into BOTH our hearts and souls! Give us pause in all we are doing to stop and first ask for YOUR guidance, YOUR will, YOUR voice! 

Lord, I PRAY for this marriage to be saved! This prayer IS inline with YOUR written word and holy will! 

Lord give me the heart of Jesus to model perfect peace, joy and confidence that you have ALREADY heard my cry, seen my tears, pulled me close, taken my burden, broken my yoke, loosed my chains, cut my ropes, softened her heart, healed her wounds, lifted our eyes, united our spirits, re-joined our hearts AND SAVED MY MARRIAGE!

Lord the hard work is already done, please give me the patience to sit by the door and watch the road with peace, love, and joy knowing that any second the prodigal spouse will loom small on the horizon as she follows the road YOU have laid before her back to me.

Then my feet will take wing as I run with all my might, heart pumping, tears flowing, arms wide, and voice shouting Glory to God in the highest! Nothing is impossible with God and Jesus!

And then I will wrap her in my arms and pour my love out over her in waves of tearful joy. Savoring the words she whispers that I so longed to hear…. “I love you, I love you, I love you!”

Lord,

Where she has distrust give trust. 

Where she has pain give her peace. 

Where she is wounded heal her.

Where she has lost her faith show her faithfulness.

Where she desires love pour your heart out on her.

Where she desires freedom show her the true freedom that only YOU can give.

Where she longs for hope give her YOUR spirit.

Where she seeks to hide form you give her your light.

It is settled! GOD WILL save your marriage BUT only AFTER YOU get right with him! Get yourself into the Bible, a Church, prayer, and Jesus.

Let GOD worry, fret, cry, fear, rage, quake, and fatigue at the process of healing! I know he does not do ANY of those because HE is GOD and he has already established that HIS will be done in the area of marriage. He fears nothing because everything does as he commands!

Simple truth!!!

He PUT the desire to WANT to work it out in YOUR heart!

You PRAY that GOD will diligently work to save it!

Let HIM put the desire in the wayward spouse’s heart to work it out, just like he did YOURS!

YOU BELIEVE He will get it done.

YOU TRUST He will get it done.

YOU WAIT for Him to get it done.

YOU REJOICE RIGHT NOW that He has ALREADY healed your marriage in the future and it will be done!

It is SOOOO important that YOU not give in and give up! At YOUR darkest hour is when you need the most LIGHT and Jesus is the LIGHT of the world. Hold on and pray thru! Years may have to pass before Gods plan is fulfilled. Remember, About the time you give up or give in God will be ready to step up and step in! 

If you can wait it out it will be more wonderful than you ever dreamed it COULD be!

Can GOD be trusted in a divorce?

Aug 15th 2013:
Day 118: It has been 118 days since she told me she wanted to leave me and does not love me.


Well yesterday was a high....today is low so far. I cried to and for God last night and this morning.
I hunger for his touch in my life.
I yearn for his peace in my life.
I long for his joy in my life.
I beg for this ordeal to end and my family to come back together again, to heal, to love, to BE!
But as per the usual I must trust, wait and obey.

I cant figure out why I strive so hard to convince God that I am worthy of the honor of having my wife and kids back again.

I WANT to give up and I try BUT as soon as I see her my heart wells up inside me and love and hope boil over inside.

I cant stop telling her I love her.
I cant stop telling her she is beautiful.
I cant stop touching her.
I cant stop looking at her.
I cant stop loving her.

She give me nothing back but a smile and thank you.

I cant help but to see that God is moving in us.
The PRO's outweigh the CON's over 2 to 1 now!
God is giving me little nudges of hope from HIM...BUT I pray that I hear it from her!
I struggle to keep the spirit up.
I struggle to keep the prayers up.
I struggle with everything.

I get bitter and angry BUT I must always remember! SHE is a Jesus confessing Christian.
She has given Jesus her life and HE is guiding her thru these desicions. She is not just making them at random. Jesus is guiding her to reach a goal with her and I. I must keep reminding myself that GOD has set all this up from the beginning of time. And Gods blessing thru this will me amazing!

All I have to do is be silent, soft and loving, waiting in GOD to get his plan in place and let his will be done. Its not her...its HIM! She is ONLY doing what HE will allow her to do within his plan.
Forgive her, love him and wait!

God hates divorce and BOTH of us have asked for his will to be done.
God would NOT give us divorce IF his promise is true that he only give good and great gifts to those that love him and obey his words.
So I base my WHOLE faith in God on the fact that God only give his people what is perfect in the end.
God created the family so in his eyes the family is a pefect enity.
God hates divorce!
So if we both have invited God into our marriage to help then GOD is obligated to keep us together as that is perfect and the opposite of divorce.
If GOD lets it go to divorce then he has given us a gift he himself says he hates and THAT contridicts the charater of God himself.
So GOD has to grant our request to lead us in this situation.
And since GOD is in it it can ONLY lead to good and marriage is good and divorce is bad...and he hates it.

So based on this knowledge of the character of God, he has to put us back together. If he give us divorce instead of marriage then he has ruined Jesus's parable of "If a child asks for bread would his father give him a stone?" GOD does not give evil gifts! We have asked God for leadership in this mess and he cannot refuse according to his own laws....where 2 or 3 are gathered together in his name let their request be answered.

So nows its ALL on God. We prayed, begged, wept, pleaded and raged for his will in our lifes. Can he keep us together? Yes! WILL he keep us together? If his words in the Bible can be trusted then YES, he will. God LOVES to prove he is true to his word. Integrity pops into my mind here. I have told many people that GOD is GOING to put us back together. I TRUST that he has given me the word and the faith to pray and believe that HE will put us back together. Now its up to him to prove trustworthy.

Please Lord, dont let my words be offensive to you. I only want to prove that YOU are trustworthy to all those who dont believe in your goodness and faithfulness! I cant help but to believe that you are working diligently on putting her and I back together. The alternative is what you, in your own words, HATE!
You dont give things YOU hate to people that LOVE you!

Lord if I am wrong please let me know and correct my thinking. If my hope that you will put is back together is false please let me know. I have begged for a neon sign that we will work it out but all i get are little things that tend to give me hope that in the past proved to be false. Lord CLEARLY open my heart and mind to what you are telling me, teaching me and leading me! Give me YOUR reality, YOUR wisdom, YOUR vision for the family you have given me. Give me assurance and guidance that YOU are in control and that YOUR will is GOING to be done in the end and that YOU HATE DIVORCE!


Amen

Sometimes God uses divorce to bring people back together!

August 14, 2013:

Well, Things are looking up.....because God has been invited in to help! She told me that she was praying for God direction in what she was doing. I have been begging for that for months. Now that she has asked God in he WILL come in. If you don't ask he wont intrude.

I am starting to see that this was all part of Gods plan anyway.
She prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed that God make me a better father, husband and man.
She just never realized that steps he HAD to take to get me to the place she asked him to take me.
He HAD to break me completely of my selfish will and habits.
He HAD to make me search my heart & soul for an anchor to hold onto.
He HAD to break my heart for her so that he could clean out the goo and put in the new.
He HAD to break my heart for my kids so that I would appreciate that time I had with them.
He HAD to break my will and give it all to him so HE could make things perfect for us.
He HAD to tear me down to my core so that he could build me back up better than I ever was.

Now I KNOW what is important in a family.
Now I KNOW what is important in life.

Now I see that if God had not stepped in and broke my heart, will and spirit I would have gone on and ruined her completely.

BUT it is finished!
She is starting to trust me again.
She is starting to like me again.
She is holding my hand again.
She is hugging me again.
She is asking ME out to dinner alone with her whenever she gets the chance.
She is starting to love me better than a Friend again.
She is starting to believe that God IS working with and in us on this.

Now it is a matter of time, now its up to ME!
Can I STAY the man that God has created in me?
Can I STAY the man she needs me to be?

God has set ALL this up for me to win or lose! My choices are what will give God the power or take it away. If I remain strong and follow his word we will win. If I lose patience and try and take control from God it will slow way down OR fail completely.

So there it is....God IS working hard on it.
God IS hearing our prayers.
God WANTS this family intact.

Marriage is the union of 2 people in Gods name...thus the highest point of perfection people can strive for...and since Gods will is perfect, keeping this union together brings him glory and honor!

Divorce is the breaking of the union of 2 people that joined together in Gods name...thus it is lowest point of in-perfection that joined people can achieve....and since God is not a God of failure, divorce is NEVER HIS perfect will. He will ALLOW it BUT it is NOT his will for married people.

Divorce is the LAST thing he wants for a marriage. It is the outward sign that some one inside the marriage has not given them self completely to his will.

A marriage restored is the outward sign that every one inside the marriage has given themselves over to his will. And his will is perfect. He WANTS marriages to thrive. But they MUST thrive under his will or they will have trouble and anger and pain.

Now this is all based on the people in the married being believers in Jesus Christ. Those not given over to Christ can expect that Gods laws of human behavior AND the prayers of those believers that they know will be what works behind the scenes for them.

So there it is. GOD WILL save this marriage. He still might have us separate for a time BUT he is going to open the heart of my wife and take the bitterness and anger and pain for me out and put in the love that he has for me and her in its place. Once that is done she will open up like a beautiful flower to God and myself. Love WILL fill our home.
Respect WILL guide our words.
Honor WILL lead our hands.
God WILL reign inside our lives!

God has this thru Jesus Christ and Gods will is PERFECT!
And marriage is PERFECT and God only does whats PERFECT when he is given free will to work inside it.
GOD WILL restore my family to me THRU my beloved wife.
GOD WILL restore her love for me THRU Jesus Christ.
GOD WILL restore my faith in him THRU the events he has set for my life before I was born.
GOD WILL restore her faith in him in the same way.

GOD'S WILL IS PERFECT!!
Jesus loved her enough to die for her and take the punishment for her sins.
I HAVE no choice but to love her as Jesus loved her.....completely, freely, honestly, un-conditionally.
She is my wife forever and I will wait till God returns her to me perfectly.

August 08 2013 Signing the Devils contract

Well today is the day. The lawyer has the paperwork all ready for her and I to sign. She wants to go sign it together today and then go out to dinner. The kids will be at the lake with the grandparents. I already told her that I did not want to go with her to sign these evil parchments. I will sign them when she is not around. I dont want her to see me break down and cry like a baby over a lost toy. I dont want to see her again for a while after I sign. I cant see her. She is the devils plaything right now, just like I was in the past. I see her make these choices that scream pain, anguish, agony and hate for all involved. But they seem to have no effect upon her at all. Now I know what she went thru with me for a long time. So very sad that what I sowed for so long has spung up in a nice ripe crop of payback. But its been told me to hate the sin but LOVE the sinner. Yes, she is doing this to myself and the kids BUT she is still a Christian and she even admits to praying for the situation so I must conclude that God is working in the midst of this ungodly mess. I HAVE to pin my hopes in that fact or I will go insane.

So Friday I will stumble into the lawyers office and cry my way thru the signing of my familys death certificate. She will then go to work Friday, Sat and Sunday nights and I will try and not make any contact with her. I dont count it official until we stand in front of the judge but its coming. I pray that the Lord will show me some leadership in what to do after that day. I dont know if he will...in a way I can understand. I can only pray that God keep working in this family. I cant make him, I cant will him, I can only ask him.

The main question I keep asking...is it his will that this family remain together? Will he do whatever it takes to keep this family intact and keep the little ones from feeling the ravages of the demon of divorce? Will he honor what I was trying to do in the family? Will he hear the prayers of my kids and keep mommy and daddy together? Will he hear her pryaers and give her guidance? Will he hear the prayers of all the people parying for us to work it out? it all boils down to is it his WILL that we work this out? Or am I just wasting my time and energy on a pipe dream?

That is all I want to know? I dont want the winning powerball numbers. I dont want a six figure income. I dont want to be a big name around town. I dont want to drive the fastest car. I dont want to show off with anything I own. I dont want fame and glory. ALL I want to know is if God is going to let me keep my family together. Is that so much to ask? Is that too much to ask? Is that my right to ask? Why cant I ask and expect a clear answer?

So there it is....I pray to God and hear the devil whispering in my ears. I ask for guidance and get silence. I ask for a life jacket and get a chain. I ask for a light in the darkenss and get sunglasses. I ask for comfort and get fire ants. I beg God for help but he has his earbuds in and the rock music playing loud. I RUN the 999 step to him and find him with his back to me. I scream but no sound makes it thru. I beg for mercy and get pain. I rage for intervention and get more of the same. I look for God and he hides from me. I ask for relief and get more burdens added.

Will God hear the prayers of all those effected and involved in this? God only knows. Can I make it thu this alive? God only knows. Will I turn bitter and end up hating the sinner for her sins? God only knows. Will God love me again enough to ease my pain and give me back the thing I want most on this earth, my family? God only knows and he is NOT speaking to me.

Dear Lord, I have prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed for your help, your guidance, your wisdom, your mercy, your intervention, your hand, your you. I have seen little blessing here and there and I thank you for them. But the one blessing I seek today is the blessing of knowledge. The knowledge that it is YOUR will that we will work this out and will be together in the end. The knowledge that you are working towards that end. The knowledge that you WANT that to happen.

Lord I know that you want us to trust you enough to KNOW that you are always working for the very best for us BUT you also let us know that you may WANT the very best for us but are unable to provide it due to free will. So therein lies my request for knowledge. You KNOW the future. You SEE the future. You MAKE the future. You ARE the future. So my plea is that you part the viel of time and show me what happens to my wife and family in the near future. WILL we remain an intact family OR will be become one of those disposable familys of this age of false commitments and empty promises. Please Lord, give me this insight, wisdom, blessing, loving foresight.

But it all boils down to trust. Do I trust God enough to just whistle blindly down the road and trust that God will turn me away from bad side roads and lead me onto good side road? Is that what God wants? Us to just blindly walk about like zombies trusting that God will give us a bottle, change our diapers, wipe the drool off our shins? Is that what he wants? Or does he want us to plan our futures asking for his guidance and blessings? Yes, that is what he wants...he wants adult followers that plan and trust.

But I babble on trying to convince myself that God will do for me what he did for David. God let David rape Bathsheba, murder her husband (an honorable, brave, loyal subject), and father a child from the rape. God also let David watch as his child died. BUT then God let him keep Bathsheba as a beloved wife and father one of the wisest men in the Bible. Even after David lied, cheated, slandered, plotted, planned and murdered God let David keep his life and wife. But David loved the Lord and the Lord loved David. I cant offer God anything CLOSE to what David had to offer so why would God do anywhere near for me what he did for him?

Should I expect the same mercy that David got? Only God knows. Only God sets the bar for fairness. Only God decides whom he will bless and who he will curse. What hope have I of even getting a passing glance from God? I am a worm that has sinned greatly in Gods sight...not as bad as David but then again, I am not David. I am unworthy of any blessing that God might do for me. I dont get what I deserve and I dont deserve what I get.

But I ask anyway...God, please turn this around! Lord, open her eyes to the damage she is doing. Jesus, open her heart and let the bitterness and anger flow out like water and pour in your love and peace. Master, take charge of my family and break the curse that the devil has thown onto us. Lord, block his words, stop his mouth, remove him utterly from my house and our lifes. Jesus, rebuke satan and drive him away. Break these chains that bind her heart and soul in darkness. Jesus, give her a glimpse into what awaits her at the end should she continue on this wide road thru the wide gate. Lord deal with her like you did me. Suddenly and instanstly open her eyes and mind to the danger she is putting the family in. Lord I have begged and pleaded and cried for your help. Now I beg and plead and cry to you again.

PLEASE LORD, give me HOPE and PEACE that you are working this towards YOUR perfect will. And please Lord let the will be that I get to keep the perfect women that you gave me 22 years ago and that I get to keep my family of 15 years intact and whole. Ready to serve you.

Lord, give me hope. Its that simple. Please let me know that you WILL NOT LET THIS FAMILY BECOME A "W" IN THE DEVILS WIN COLUMN. Lord, only YOU can do this....only YOU can steer this into calm, safe harbors.

Lord, I could type this prayer all day long. I could pray it all day long. I DO pray it all day long. Only YOU can clean this up and bring it together again. Please Lord finish your work quickly and do your will. I am tired of fighting your will. I am ANGRY at you for letting it get this far. I am HURT that YOU would do THIS to me!  I greive that YOU would let this go on and on like you have. I am frustrated that YOU will not stop this. You are hurting me so very badly. You are stripping all that I hold dear from me, all that YOU hold dear also. Marriage, Faith, Church, family, Children....all these your cherish. All these things you hold up as Godly and all these things you seek to take from me. Why? Why would you do that? What could you possible want from me at this point? Am I not low enough yet? Am I not scared enough yet? Do I not fear you enough yet? Am I not crushed enough yet? Am I not depleted of self yet? Is there no hope left in me? What more can I do or not do to stop this madness? What more can I pray? Am I able to MAKE myself trust YOU more?

I dont know what to do anymore. I have given it to you over and over again with the hope and prayer that YOU will do whats right and keep this family together. But I hear trained Biblical men tell me that this may not work out. That YOU may allow it to happen. That YOU might NOT step in and help? That YOU might have to wait for HER to decide that she wants it back. That YOU will not MAKE her come back. To them I say BAH! She HAS asked your help with her decisions. She HAS prayed from your guidance. She HAS begged you for wisdom. I, the kids and many other have prayed that same prayers. Now its up to YOU to either honor your words "Where 2 or 3 are gathered in my name whatever they ask in faith I will do" or you don't. Its that simple...your reputations on the line here.

Forgive me for questioning your intergity Lord. I cannot WILL myself to trust things. I trust that my car will start every morning because it did from day one. I trust that the bridge will hold me when I drive over it everyday because it has from day one. I trust because these things proved trustworthy from day one. Lord, please help me trust you. Forgive my dis-belief and help my belief. Lord, forgive your scared, shaking, scattered servant and breath your peace into my heart. Clean up my soul and deliver me from the snare and traps of the evil one. Please do the same for my family! Help us Lord to do the right thing at the right time.
Once again I beg for guidance in all that I do. Keep me from hindering your work in her and the family.
Lord, please, please, please, please, please, please, please show mercy to me in this marriage problem. Give me hope...make it clear, I am dense and slow Lord. Show the world that when you get involved only GREAT things happen! Please give this marriage another chance with YOU involved and wanted by all!

Amen

I am a shell of a man. My whole life evaporates in front of my eyes. I want to live but I cant. I want to die but I cant. God should be my focus but I cant see. Jesus should be my rock but in the storm my grip is weak and I cant hold on. Trusting in him is what I should do but I am shattered so bad that I dont trust anyone. I quake with terror at every new day. I shake with fear at every new hour. I break with anguish at every new minute. I know what God's word says but I dont have the strength to do it.

If I kill myself the kids will suffer from it their whole life.
If we divorce the kids will suffer from it their whole life.
If I die at God's will then they will suffer BUT they know I died loving their mother.
God, kill me. Kill me now. Kill me quickly.
This is the only way that will work out for everyone in this whole crappy mess.
This way the kids wont suffer the insecurity of a broken home.
She does not have to be the bad guy, the one demanding separation, she gets a clean break where she is seen by them as losing a loved husband.
The kids get to remember their mom and dad together as one.
They get the insurance money.
I get to leave my family something for their future.

Its a win, win..so God, please kill me and get this over with.
Let me die and bring peace to all in my family.
Let me die and release her from my curse.
Let me die and bring an end to this madness and pain for all involved.

So please Lord, since you wont answer my pleas to let her love me again and not break up the family answer my prayer and kill me. Kill me, kill me , kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me......

I hear the sermon from the preacher on the radio right now and he states that if I learn to trust him I will walk wisely, God is perfect and all wise and will only give us what is best for us. Obey God, trust him, and he will bring amazing blessing out of the dirtiest place. He will encourage us and strengthen us for the task IF we trust him to bring it to his perfect end.
I WILL BE WITH YOU.....Fear not, be courageous. Facing your fear and letting God bring us thru it. What we are is how we respond to what God gives us.
Dont give up and lose sight of the goal. I know its the right thing to do and I am going to do it no matter what.
Meditate on his word, listen to the prompting of the holy spirit and trust him to bring us thru whatever we face to his perfect blessing.

Now that sounds easy and the words are true BUT I am a weak man, I am a scared man, I am a scarred man, I am a fearful man, I am a doubting man, I cannot stay focused and I cannot find trust.

So Lord , if you are not going to give me some glimmer of hope in this whole mess then give me the option of dying and giving what blessings I can to my family by dying!

Lord, let me die. Give me the dignity of a quick, accidental death.

Aug 2nd 2012:

Dont have much to say. Not much went on last night. Parents took the kids and she went to work. Rexted her around 10. No response. Texted her at 7am and no response. Prayed, prayed, prayed last night. Did not sleep well. With the kids gone the house was so very lonely. I cant shake this depression and fear that grips my heart. I KNOW that God is going to have his will in this whole nasty business. I KNOW that whatever happens God is going to make it perfect. Too many people are praying. Too many people are on their knees calling out to him to save the marriage for him to ignore it. She is even praying again....
Now the only barrier is me. Can I take the fear, pain and anguish that is surely waiting for me down this road?
Will I be able to see it to the end to GET the blessings God is preparing for my family?
I PRAY that his will is that we be married and raise the children TOGETHER in a Godly home!
But I am toxic. God has changed me, there is no doubt about to in my mind. But will it stick? Is it just a facade? Will I remain who I am in the coming storms? I pray that Jesus give me the strength to stay the way I am changes!

Deep in my soul no one sees the quaking sobs
Deep in my heart no one sees the broken dreams
Deep in my mind no one sees the vile images

Jesus, Please love me.....love me, love me, love me. My heart screams "you are not worthy of any love! You break the heart of everyone that loves you! You are dangerous to all who come near! Look at all the blessings you have turned into curses!"
Lord, please take my heart, soul and mind. I cant deal with this confusion and pain. My heart hates me, my soul is a rotting pile of sin covered in the blood of those I wound and kill with words and thoughts, my mind is a jumbled mass of whirling, evil thoughts peppered with fear, guilt, doubt and hate. Lord please take it all. I cant bear the burden any longer.
Lord your word say to be still andl wait on you, yet you give me the inablity to do so. You tell me to do things that are almost impossible to do the way you made me.

Lord if you dont help me soon I fear the I will reach the breaking point and do something stupid. Lord, I give it all to you, even though you hold the burden I cant take my eyes off of it. I live it evey minute, every hour, every day! There is no way to NOT have to deal with it every day.

Lord, I beg you for help. For relief. For your spirit to burst forth from my heart and cover me in love and direction. Lord, you MUST guide me and calm me. I beg you.

Lord, please keep leading her back to you. Lord, please lead her to invite your will into her life again. Lord, pour the love for me back into her heart! Lead us Jesus, lead us! We are one. Please keep us one!

Lord, I pray all this in the wonderful name of Jesus. Amen

Jesus Whispered

Lord's whispering

Guiding words

Savior's voice

Rest assured

Jesus lifting

Perfect rest

Weary warrior

Completely blessed

August 1rst 2013.

Not much to submit today. God is working hard behinds the scenes, setting up "chance meetings", "accidents", and "mysterious events" so that he can stun everyone with what truly amazing things can happen when you let GOD run the show and wait quietly for him to set everything in place and motion. He CANNOT fail and will NEVER give you a half-hearted gift. When he sets up a blessing he want to do so in such a way that the demons and the angles are awed by it! He uses man to show them what they can never experience...his mercy, grace and forgivensss,

So there it is...it is his. I cannot MAKE anything happen. I cannot DEMAND that anything be done. I cannot PRAY MY will into this. All I can do is seek HIS face and ask for his deliverance. God is great and GOOD. He will ALWAYS do the right thing...always.


Praise God from whom all blessing flow

Let go whispered God

July 31, 2013
Let go whispered God while I lay still
Let go whispered God so I can do my will
Let go whispered God and open your heart
Let go whispered God my blessings can start
Let go whispered God give it all to me
Let go whispered God trust me and see
Let go whispered God you cant keep it all
Let go Whispered God I will not let you fall
Let go whispered God I cant make it right
Let go whispered God if you hold it tight
Let go Whispered God let your striving cease
Let go Whispered God let me give you peace

God will never take your problems and give a half hearted effort and throw them back to you unfinished.

When God works on YOUR problems at your request he finishes them timely, completely, perfectly, Godly.

Whats hard is letting go.
Its also hard to know IF you have let it go completely.
God will never throw the might of heaven at your problem if you dont let it go completely. That is so hard to do BUT needed. If God were to fix your problems if you held onto them YOU would take the glory and claim credit for God's miracles. So let it go...let it ALL go. Once you have done that God will lay his hand heavily on the situation and his will shall shine thru the darkest night.

So shut up, sit down, hold still, bow your head and let God have HIS way in your life and watch the impossible become possible! It will be the hardest thing you have ever done BUT if you want God to give you the desires of your heart then you have to give him the time to get the resources together, get to the store, purchase the items, take them home, put them together, wrap them AND then give them to you.

Give him a chance and watch what he can and will do for you!

July 30th 2013 2:55pm:

This morning I gave it to God and now I struggle with taking it back. The battle is strong in me right now. As I listened to the radio while I worked there was program after program on how divorce affects the kids and how to live after divorce. OK, maybe it was not one after another but it was at least 2 in the time I have been at my desk.

PRAYER..... Lord, were those programs directed at me? Lord you know how I feel. You poured so much love for her in my heart that I cant contain it. I cant take my eyes off her when we are together. I should be furious about what she has done to our savings but I cant seem to capture that emotion. before all this happened I was able to turn off all feelings for her. I was able to be ice cold and not care. Now I dont know how I was able to turn off the emotions. I would love to shut the door to the pain and fear but I cant. When I get near her my heart softens and melts. She is all that I could hope for in a women. All that I could dream for in a wife. All that I could wish as a mom for our children and all that I would pray for as a life mate. Lord, please find me worthy of keeping her and the family that you gave me.

Lord, I messed up, I failed, I sinned, I let everyone down and shamed you Lord. Lord forgive me, heal her and unite us! Lord, if possible, give me assurance that you are going to let me keep your daughter as my wife and your children as my kids. Lord, hear this dirty sinner and give ear to my wailing. I am not worthy of these things I ask of you. I have no grounds to request these blessings. I have destroyed a the love and respect of a great women, a godly women. I have caused her to turn from you.

I know what I have done. I know the evil I did in the name of being holy. But you are also the God of second, third and fourth chances. Lord I am asking for a fifth chance, sixth chance and maybe a seventh chance. Please Lord allow me to show those I hurt wirh anger and fear that thru you anger will be converted to deep love and fear will be replaced with unfailing trust.

Lord, I am sorry and want to do the right thing. Please rebuild the family you gave me Lord and then guide me as I guide them again. Lord, I ask this in the name of Jesus who died for our sins. Lord please lead me to the place of leadership in your family again. Allow me another chance at it Lord, please!

Give me peace as you work and joy in knowing that you are moving us towards each other. Lord, if possible, bless me with more little blessed nuggets today Lord. Thanks and Amen

July 30th 2013:

Well I let go and let God yesterday and he did NOT disapoint! I got home around 3:00pm with her fav dish from AppleBee's...Festia Lime Chicken. She was just up and sitting in bed doing her nails. I spent the next 2 hours waiting on her and showing her how much I love, respect and appriciate her. She left for work at 5:15. Just before she left she had a few minutes so she pulled out her Ipad and showed me a house in Monroe that she had looked at moving into once the refi came thru for me and I could give her the half of the equity in the home we own now. As she was showing it to me she commented on how many rooms and bathrooms and then said "And IF things do work out for us there is room for your....."

Thats all I needed to hear. She dropped me a nugget of hope that she is entertaining the fact that we could get back together. THAT was blessing one for the first real day of letting go that I can remember. The SECOND blessing was after she left and got to work. Her boss is a well respected memeber of our Church. She is a prayer warrior and has experience with having a bad husband at one time. After she was a work she texted me that she was at work and had spoken with AND prayed with this older seasoned Chistian women! NOW that is a BIGGGGG change!

About 60 days ago I asked her if she was praying for us and she said in a nice way NO! She said that she prayed that God change me for over a year and towards the end of that time she prayed that God either kill me or her, after that she stopped praying all together. I asked her to pray with me once and she said she would NOT pray with me. I asked her once to promise me that she would pray by herself for us and she said no.

I told her that I would never take advice on how to steal something from criminal in prison and that I was getting lots of advice from divorced people on what to do and that I would NEVER take advice from a divorced person on how to do something UNLESS it was on how they thought they could have saved the marriage. I told her that I took advice from older couples that had remained married thru tough times and hard seasons. THOSE are the people I wanted adivce from, successes not failures.

So here she is texting me that she spoke with a seasoned, well respected, solid Christian lady who has the scars to prove she knows what its like and stuck it out and made it work anyway AND she prayed with her!!!!! Two rays of hope at the end of this tunnel given to me by Gods own hand! I CANT WAIT to see what he does today for us! All my wailing, moaning and crying about WHAT God was NOT doing was getting in the way of what he was WAITING to do for us! If she is praying and I am praying and all those prayer warriors are praying for us all I need to do is trust, get out of the way and be ready to praise Jesus as he works in our hearts, minds and lifes!

I am beginning to see that the Lord is working hard to bring us back together in a marriage so strong that we will be the envy of the unsaved married couples around us. So there it is! Letting go and letting God is what makes a difference. Give him a little room to work and you will end up with a mobile home at best. Give in ALL the room to work and he will build you a palace that the non-believers will envy and try to find out HOW you got where you are! Then you can tell them about how GREAT Jesus is and what he has done and is waiting to do for you!

Lord, I know that there are more tough times ahead BUT you are in charge and NOTHING that is going to happen is not going to derail your plans for my live and my families life. Thank you Lord and I look forward to the day when those pretty little green eyes look up again into mine and say those words I so long to hear come from those perfect, lovely lips!

"I Love You"....and I love you Lord! Amen!

How do you let go and let God?

How do you let go of that life jacket that keeps you afloat and swim out into the dark water?
How does one step out of the space ship and take off your helmet and take that first breath of what you hope is breathable air.
How does one walk thru the fire and trust that God will keep the flames from blistering your flesh?

I dont know how BUT I know that if God is going to work this out to my hearts desire I must let him do what he needs to do. I cant escape the fact that is what God is asking me to do so he can work. Its has come thru from EVEYONE that I speak with. Even my 15 year old daughter told me that God would not help till I let go and let him. I did not ask her, she told me that at Church Sunday that God spoke to her and gave her that bit of advice to give to me. I cant ignore it. I MUST find a way to let go and let him.

So how to let go is my big question?
What is the criteria for letting go?
What are the signs you have let go?
What denotes submission to his desire to have us GIVE it to him and let HIM deal with it?

These are the questions I need answered. I am starting to believe that God WANTS us together in the future. Its the getting to that future that stirs in me a spirit of fear and regret. Can I stand what he is going to do to steer her back to the family? Will I be able to take the pain and sorrow that he sill surely heap upon us as he directs our pathes? I dont know, but I do know that he WANTS to bless us. He LONGS to give us the gifts he has waiting for us should we honor him. He strives to direct us to where the blessings are waiting for us. God LOVES us wildly!

Dear God, Please take this burden from my heart and soul! Please give me the wisdom and strength to see this thru under your holy plan. Lord, if possible, give me peace in the face of the events that must happen for your plan to come to pass. Whatever happens Lord, pour your grace, mercy, wisdom and peace her and I as we travel this road together and seperate. Lord, I beg you to keep us together if possible and if not possible that you leave the door open for us to become one again in the future.

Lord, I could and have tried to shame, force, cry, wail, shout, threaten, shame and fake you into action that I could measure. But you have rejected those false words and deeds. Now Lord, I come empty handed, open minded and broken hearted asking that you show me what YOU would have me do to stay out of your way and help you take this calamity and turn it into a goldmine of praise for you and blessing for my family.

 Amen

July 26, 2013: Well the pain train still bullets towards the cliff of the end of my life. She is determined to see this thru to the bitter end. I could fight her and make life bitter for everyone but that just shows everyone that she was right about me and I cant change. But I cant go back. I cant allow that to happen. Not for her only, but for my children. They need to know that I love them and that I WAS there for them when they needed me. So I hang on and put on my game face and swallow my pain and try and give the kids the best of me I can drag out of the mud and filth that is my soul.

My mother managed to get ahold of me last night despite my efforts to NOT answer her calls. She said she was sorry and that she loved me and that I am not a bad person and that I have done good in my life but what she sees and what I am inside are polar opposites. I AM TOXIC! Toxic to people. Toxic to animals. Toxic to all I touch. I cant wait to see what kind of works of art my kids turn out to be. Dont think I will be around to find out after this is all said and done. Every friend, family memeber and girlfriend I have ever gotten close to has found out how toxic I am. Its about time to put that part of me in the grave forever.

Last night she worked and I had the 2 little ones. The 15 year has not been home in a couple of weeks. She has latched onto my mom and dad for safety and support in all this. I cant blame her. Wife does not like it but she wants control and if she cant get it she wont deal with it. I dont know what to do. I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and cried and cried and cried and cried. Now I cant seem to do either very much anymore.

We ended up going to Menards and then stopping at the Speedway for Slushies. Got back to the house and we all sorted all the laundry. I yelled at them and was kinda rough but they just wont listen anymore. Its constant and never ending. They are showing the stress that she says they dont have in NOT listening and acting out anger. She does not see it because she is not around them very much. That will change soon enough.

My main thoughts are WHY will God NOT put forth his mighty hand and answer my prayers? Why would he let my family wallow in pain and anger and NOT step in and help and heal? Why would he let me live in anguish and pain? WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY....Why wont he give me peace? Why wont he give me assurance that in the future I will get my family back? Why would he give me more than I can handle? Its a big book of why's? I have reached my limits. I cant handle one more day of coldness and stubborness. I am at my end. I dont want to live anymore. I tried living and found that I am not very good at it. God made me this way and them he mocks me for who I am. Its a terrible thing to have the creator of all set forth rules and guidelines on how he wants his creations to live and behave and then create me......me.....who has tried everything possible to follow those guideline and rules and saying and wisdom nuggets by praying, waiting, trusting, fasting, crying out, weeping, groveling, begging, working, suffering and sweating...only to be ignored by HIM just when I needed him MOST!!!!

The most powerful feelings I have are of utter despair. I see my life of working on serving, honoring and loving him and wonder what I was doing? If he loves me sooooo much WHY would this be happening? WHY could it have happened BEFORE we had kids? WHY does he want to ruin their lifes? What can I teach them about him NOW? That he only answers prayers that HE finds profitable to HIM? Will he love you always? What will he do for you when you are in a desperate place? They see, hear and learn. She has already taught them that he will not answer prayers until it is to late to turn things around. She prayed to him for 2 years that I change. She prayed at the end that he kill either me or her just so she could get some relief. Then she stopped praying and believing. Then he changed me and she wanted none of it. SHE does not believe that God is good. She thinks that since God waited so long to answer her prayers that he does not love her or care about her heart. She will NEVER forgive him for making her go thru that. I dont think God can get thru to her anymore. She is bitter at him to the core and I am following in her footsteps. God, I hope that your are happy with this. I hope you get what you want. I hope your playing fast and loose with OUR lives is worth it for you. I hope that what YOU are allowing to happen to the kids does not backfire on you.

So, if you are God and do hear the little pissants you created like you claim to do, hear this one last prayer of mine. Kill me or put us back together...This ugly, mean, horrible, unholy place you have left me to wallow in is beyond my ability to stand! SO GET IT OVER WITH WILL YA???????????? Just bleed me out and let my family have the insurance money. She can find that better man you have waiting for her and the kids. Then they can live happy, blessed lifes without ever having to worry about Toxic me killing all the joy in their lifes anymore. So give me this one request....END ME! END ME and let them finaly LIVE!!!!

There it is...Toxic Mark ruining all her touches!

July 25th 2013. Yesterday was a day filled with hope, despair, anger, pain, fear and regret. On the down side my mother, whom I have been using as my therapist in all this madness, told me that she could no longer take the stress of hearing my troubles. That was a crushing blow. It has, however, turned me towards a closer walk with Jesus and thats a good thing. On the fear side I, once again, turned the whole ordeal over the the Lord with fear and trembling. Fear and trembling because I have been told time and again by biblical scholars that God may NOT allow my marriage to survive. That scares me! That God, the creator of the family, would let mine fail? The Lord of all that is would see fit to break up the family HE gave me? That Jesus, the lover of all mankind, could not over rule with his perfect love, the impact of my sins against her and her sins against me? That the Holy Heavenly Father would not move heaven and earth to grant the desire of one of his son's heart to love the woman and children that HE gave him with all his heart, mind, and soul...as commanded in the new testament? On the hope side I told a close friend that I was letting go and letting her go as she wanted. That I would not stand in her way. That I would not hinder her. That I would do everything I could to help her get out and on her feet. I told the friend that God must want this for her, to be free of me and my evil nature so that she could find the man of her dreams and live out her life in peace, love and happiness. The friend told me that Abraham had to be willing to sacrifice Issac on Gods alter before God moved greatly in their lifes. I asked where the friend came up with that and she said it just popped in her mind. Well this is my morning report. Let me finish it like this. Lord, grant me the strength to keep moving forward day by day. Give me the wisdom to guard my mouth and to filter everything I say thru your words. Give me the peace to crush the anger and pain that rages in my heart and soul for myself, you and others. Give me the joy to KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that YOU WILL put my family back together and that in doing so we will become so strong in love, respect and peace that people will see us and say "They MUST be Gods people becuase of the way they treat each other". Lord please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please fill her heart with your holy spirit and give her your eyes to see what is wating on her when she returns to me. Lord rekindle the love for me that once burned like the sun in her heart. Lord give her wisdom to do what is right in your eyes and the strength to fight of the slings and arrows of the devil. If you pray, please pray for my family and I..thanks

July 24th 2013 Called the only person that I could talk to about whats going on today. Told her that I had come to the conclusion that maybe the Lord is doing this because he has someone waiting for her that is better for her than I am. The person, my mother, began a tirade of BS, BS, BS. Then my 15 year old, who was staying overnight, chimed in on the other phone line Bullcrap, bullcrap, bullcrap. Eching grandma's words. I tried to explain that if I was going to be able to turn it over to God then I had to set my mind to the fact that God has someone better waiting for her and my kids. I was given the perfect woman and failed miserably in my marriage to her. Its my lifes work. Failures, failures, failures. I cant plan so I plan to fail at everything. I have yet to set a goal and reach it. God is so disappointed in me that he is stripping me of all that I hold dear so that they are not corrupted by my inept abilities to live a life of purpose and meaning. They will be better off with a man that God has set in place for them. Now my only supporter, my mother, told me that this thinking was BS and that she cannot take it anymore. So now God has closed every door to me. I have so burdened my own mother that she no longer wants to hear my problems. So now I stand truly alone. God has shown me that my wife is better off without me. He has shown me that my kids will be better off without me in their lifes. He has shown me that I can destroy ANY relationship, even with my own mother. So whats left? Nothing...nothing but to see keep my word and help her find a house to move away from me into with the kids. Nothing but to never burden my mother and father with my problems again. Nothing but to get the divorce paperwork finished and turned in so that my wife can have the freedom to find that man that the Lord has waiting on her. Nothing to do but to get them out of my life and settled into their new, better, God ordained life and stay away from them so my toxic nature does not infect them as it has everything I ever touch. Goals: 1) Get them out and settled into their new house and life. 2) Sell all I own and give them the money for their future. 3) Leave them and follow whatever path God sets my foot upon so that I dont infect them with my disease. Look for work outside the country so that I am unable to get to them even if I wanted. So there it is...just when I thought that I could sink no lower I find out that I am killing my own mother with it. Even when God confronts me with what I have done wrong I still continue to do the same thing, just to others I love. What kind of creature has God created with me? Is there not end to the pain and misery I can cause to everyone. Everyone is better off without me bringing them the pain and misery I carry inside me. Now the big question is HOW do I remove myself from their lifes? God, its obvious that the conflict that started over my realization that she and the kids are better off without me must have some validity. Mom's revalation that she cant go on listening to me is another piece of the puzzle that you have laid out on the table of my life. Is it time to cash in my chips or is it time for you to tip your hand and show me what the cards you hold have for me? I dont know. All I know is that I can no longer strive to convince her to stay because you MUST have somethig better waiting for her. Me standing in your way trying to show her what she will get is she stays is only getting in the way of your goal to give her a better life. I will no longer stand in that gap. I will try and give her the piece of mind to go. I will now wait to see where you lead me in this.....but I will no longer offer her a look at what I have to offer her if she stays. If I am wrong please let me know.

July 24th 2013 Well the Divorce wagon is still heading towards the Singles cliff. I worked all day yesterday while she had the kids all day for the first time in weeks. She met one of her co-workers at Kings Island and her kids and our kids rode rides and dodged rain for about 4 hours. This was the first time she was able to take the kids out on her own for weeks. She made no contact with me all day to let me know where they were or what they were doing. They got home right at 5:30. I asked if she wanted to do something together for the evening. She said how about we all go to El Rancho and get some chips and salsa. So she showered and we went. She got a iced adult beverage and as typical, only finished half of it. After dinner we hit Krogers and got the boy some motrin because he was still complaining that his legs ached. Finished and headed for the house. I stopped at Speedway and let the 2 kids get Slushies and got her some of her favorite chocolates. Got home and she hit the bed and I massaged her feet and legs for a couple of hours while the 2 little ones watched Dumbo and the National Geographic show "Battle for Midway". She rested and they watched and I massaged till 11. Sent them to their room at 11 and she rolled over and put the pillow between us and slept. I layed down my weary head and slept. Up at 5 and prayed till 6 begging God to give me my family back and a second chance. In all this I have come to realize that SHE might be better off without me. The children might have a better dad waiting on them out there in God's plans. I have to accept that fact that God my have already given me my last chance at raising HIS children right and treating HIS daughter (my wife) properly. God may be setting this up so that they can find the person that God KNOWS is best for them to live with and raise them. I should not be hard to find someone better than me for them. I destroy all I touch. Everything I have tried to do in life has either failed miserabley OR never got finished. Lord, let your will be done in ALL out lifes. Teach me to let go of all this so that YOUR will be done in our lifes. I accept the fact that you might want her to find another man who is a better provider, husband, father and lover. Lord, I accept the fact that my children might be better off with a dad that YOU provide for them after the divorce. I cannot say that I am comfortable with the idea BUT if it happens then I know that it is YOUR will for I have given this over to you and begged you to keep us together. So if you let us split then I will know that you want me to let ALL of them go and find the better place you have made for them. You created the family and hate divorce BUT you know whats best for us and if we split then I must assume that you have a better place for my wife and my kids than with me. All I ask is that you remove me from them if I will be a hinderance to your will in their lifes. I have created this place that I must now dwell in. I never wanted this. I never dreamed it would happen. I can say that I am crushed under the weight of my own sin. I suffer and the ones I love most suffer as well. I cannot stop it. I cannot slow it down. I cannot escape it. I cannot live with it. This WILL kill me in the long run. I will let her know that I want her to go because she deserves better. I will stop trying to keep her. I will stop talking of her staying with me as s good thing. I will stop asking her to stay and work it out. I will now give her the open road to go. I will no longer try and influence her with words and deeds. I will step aside and let her move forward at her own pace. I will stop telling her that the kids are better off with their parents married and loving. God showed me this today as I was crying out to him. The words were "what if she is better off without you?". "What if the kids are better off with a man she finds"?. I heard the words, had the thought and know that he is right. She will be better off without me. Now my life will become more focused. Focused on helping her get her feet under her and out on her own. Focused and prepping the kids for a new dad who will treat them btter than I have. Focused letting my family go. I hope I am strong enough to stand tall and keep my faith, resolve and sanity as I begin to work this thru my heart, mind, and soul. I am so sorry Lord that I put you in this position. You dont want to do these things but I have given you no option. Please forgive me!

Perhaps I am going about this the wrong way. Lets put this in perspective. 96 days ago my wife of 22 years KNEW without a doubt that I was going to leave her in the future. When? She did not know BUT she knew I was going as soon as I could. She also KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I DID NOT LOVE HER! She knew these things because I WANTED her to think to scare her into letting me in on the finances. My plan backfired in a very bad way. So what has happened in 95 days? She has not moved out. We sleep in the same bed. She does not hide her nakedness from me. She lets me massager her everywhere (except very private areas). We speak everyday. We go out together alone and with the kids. We hold hands. She went to 6 weeks of counseling with me in the effort to work it out. She is going to move out WHEN she finds a house close to me so that the kids can stay in their school. She asked that I help her find a house to move into. She has let me know that we will date each other when she moves out. She asked for a dusalutionment instead of a court ordered divorce. She is not seeing anyone. She wants to start as friends and see how she feels after some time passes. She says she loves me but not like a wife should lover her husband. She wants us to STAY friends no matter what she decides to do. She promised to never keep the kids from me. She admits that her heart says stay but her mind says she must go. She says she must go so that she can come back on her own. She tells me I am a good man. She tells me she finds me attractive. She tells me I am handsome. She does not complain when I take the kids to Church. She is polite and considerate of everything I do and tells me so. The things she is doing don’t point to a woman that wants to leave her husband. As one person put it, she is not fighting me, she is fighting God and her heart. That is a battle that a woman will lose everytime. So all I have to do is keep treating her like Jesus would with unconditional love no matter what she does and wait for God to bring her to where he wants her to be. Once that happens we can work it our and make our life together again. With a stronger, deeper, richer love for each other than we have ever had! Lord, please give me the strength to remain true and strong as you work your will out in her life. Give me direction and wisdom in every action I take from this point on. Please stop me from getting in the way and slowing your will down. But most of all Lord, please, if possible, don’t let her move out. Let US move out together to a new home in a quite place where we can raise our kids and live out our lives with your blessing, loving each other as you love us! Amen