Let go whispered God

July 31, 2013
Let go whispered God while I lay still
Let go whispered God so I can do my will
Let go whispered God and open your heart
Let go whispered God my blessings can start
Let go whispered God give it all to me
Let go whispered God trust me and see
Let go whispered God you cant keep it all
Let go Whispered God I will not let you fall
Let go whispered God I cant make it right
Let go whispered God if you hold it tight
Let go Whispered God let your striving cease
Let go Whispered God let me give you peace

God will never take your problems and give a half hearted effort and throw them back to you unfinished.

When God works on YOUR problems at your request he finishes them timely, completely, perfectly, Godly.

Whats hard is letting go.
Its also hard to know IF you have let it go completely.
God will never throw the might of heaven at your problem if you dont let it go completely. That is so hard to do BUT needed. If God were to fix your problems if you held onto them YOU would take the glory and claim credit for God's miracles. So let it go...let it ALL go. Once you have done that God will lay his hand heavily on the situation and his will shall shine thru the darkest night.

So shut up, sit down, hold still, bow your head and let God have HIS way in your life and watch the impossible become possible! It will be the hardest thing you have ever done BUT if you want God to give you the desires of your heart then you have to give him the time to get the resources together, get to the store, purchase the items, take them home, put them together, wrap them AND then give them to you.

Give him a chance and watch what he can and will do for you!

July 30th 2013 2:55pm:

This morning I gave it to God and now I struggle with taking it back. The battle is strong in me right now. As I listened to the radio while I worked there was program after program on how divorce affects the kids and how to live after divorce. OK, maybe it was not one after another but it was at least 2 in the time I have been at my desk.

PRAYER..... Lord, were those programs directed at me? Lord you know how I feel. You poured so much love for her in my heart that I cant contain it. I cant take my eyes off her when we are together. I should be furious about what she has done to our savings but I cant seem to capture that emotion. before all this happened I was able to turn off all feelings for her. I was able to be ice cold and not care. Now I dont know how I was able to turn off the emotions. I would love to shut the door to the pain and fear but I cant. When I get near her my heart softens and melts. She is all that I could hope for in a women. All that I could dream for in a wife. All that I could wish as a mom for our children and all that I would pray for as a life mate. Lord, please find me worthy of keeping her and the family that you gave me.

Lord, I messed up, I failed, I sinned, I let everyone down and shamed you Lord. Lord forgive me, heal her and unite us! Lord, if possible, give me assurance that you are going to let me keep your daughter as my wife and your children as my kids. Lord, hear this dirty sinner and give ear to my wailing. I am not worthy of these things I ask of you. I have no grounds to request these blessings. I have destroyed a the love and respect of a great women, a godly women. I have caused her to turn from you.

I know what I have done. I know the evil I did in the name of being holy. But you are also the God of second, third and fourth chances. Lord I am asking for a fifth chance, sixth chance and maybe a seventh chance. Please Lord allow me to show those I hurt wirh anger and fear that thru you anger will be converted to deep love and fear will be replaced with unfailing trust.

Lord, I am sorry and want to do the right thing. Please rebuild the family you gave me Lord and then guide me as I guide them again. Lord, I ask this in the name of Jesus who died for our sins. Lord please lead me to the place of leadership in your family again. Allow me another chance at it Lord, please!

Give me peace as you work and joy in knowing that you are moving us towards each other. Lord, if possible, bless me with more little blessed nuggets today Lord. Thanks and Amen

July 30th 2013:

Well I let go and let God yesterday and he did NOT disapoint! I got home around 3:00pm with her fav dish from AppleBee's...Festia Lime Chicken. She was just up and sitting in bed doing her nails. I spent the next 2 hours waiting on her and showing her how much I love, respect and appriciate her. She left for work at 5:15. Just before she left she had a few minutes so she pulled out her Ipad and showed me a house in Monroe that she had looked at moving into once the refi came thru for me and I could give her the half of the equity in the home we own now. As she was showing it to me she commented on how many rooms and bathrooms and then said "And IF things do work out for us there is room for your....."

Thats all I needed to hear. She dropped me a nugget of hope that she is entertaining the fact that we could get back together. THAT was blessing one for the first real day of letting go that I can remember. The SECOND blessing was after she left and got to work. Her boss is a well respected memeber of our Church. She is a prayer warrior and has experience with having a bad husband at one time. After she was a work she texted me that she was at work and had spoken with AND prayed with this older seasoned Chistian women! NOW that is a BIGGGGG change!

About 60 days ago I asked her if she was praying for us and she said in a nice way NO! She said that she prayed that God change me for over a year and towards the end of that time she prayed that God either kill me or her, after that she stopped praying all together. I asked her to pray with me once and she said she would NOT pray with me. I asked her once to promise me that she would pray by herself for us and she said no.

I told her that I would never take advice on how to steal something from criminal in prison and that I was getting lots of advice from divorced people on what to do and that I would NEVER take advice from a divorced person on how to do something UNLESS it was on how they thought they could have saved the marriage. I told her that I took advice from older couples that had remained married thru tough times and hard seasons. THOSE are the people I wanted adivce from, successes not failures.

So here she is texting me that she spoke with a seasoned, well respected, solid Christian lady who has the scars to prove she knows what its like and stuck it out and made it work anyway AND she prayed with her!!!!! Two rays of hope at the end of this tunnel given to me by Gods own hand! I CANT WAIT to see what he does today for us! All my wailing, moaning and crying about WHAT God was NOT doing was getting in the way of what he was WAITING to do for us! If she is praying and I am praying and all those prayer warriors are praying for us all I need to do is trust, get out of the way and be ready to praise Jesus as he works in our hearts, minds and lifes!

I am beginning to see that the Lord is working hard to bring us back together in a marriage so strong that we will be the envy of the unsaved married couples around us. So there it is! Letting go and letting God is what makes a difference. Give him a little room to work and you will end up with a mobile home at best. Give in ALL the room to work and he will build you a palace that the non-believers will envy and try to find out HOW you got where you are! Then you can tell them about how GREAT Jesus is and what he has done and is waiting to do for you!

Lord, I know that there are more tough times ahead BUT you are in charge and NOTHING that is going to happen is not going to derail your plans for my live and my families life. Thank you Lord and I look forward to the day when those pretty little green eyes look up again into mine and say those words I so long to hear come from those perfect, lovely lips!

"I Love You"....and I love you Lord! Amen!

How do you let go and let God?

How do you let go of that life jacket that keeps you afloat and swim out into the dark water?
How does one step out of the space ship and take off your helmet and take that first breath of what you hope is breathable air.
How does one walk thru the fire and trust that God will keep the flames from blistering your flesh?

I dont know how BUT I know that if God is going to work this out to my hearts desire I must let him do what he needs to do. I cant escape the fact that is what God is asking me to do so he can work. Its has come thru from EVEYONE that I speak with. Even my 15 year old daughter told me that God would not help till I let go and let him. I did not ask her, she told me that at Church Sunday that God spoke to her and gave her that bit of advice to give to me. I cant ignore it. I MUST find a way to let go and let him.

So how to let go is my big question?
What is the criteria for letting go?
What are the signs you have let go?
What denotes submission to his desire to have us GIVE it to him and let HIM deal with it?

These are the questions I need answered. I am starting to believe that God WANTS us together in the future. Its the getting to that future that stirs in me a spirit of fear and regret. Can I stand what he is going to do to steer her back to the family? Will I be able to take the pain and sorrow that he sill surely heap upon us as he directs our pathes? I dont know, but I do know that he WANTS to bless us. He LONGS to give us the gifts he has waiting for us should we honor him. He strives to direct us to where the blessings are waiting for us. God LOVES us wildly!

Dear God, Please take this burden from my heart and soul! Please give me the wisdom and strength to see this thru under your holy plan. Lord, if possible, give me peace in the face of the events that must happen for your plan to come to pass. Whatever happens Lord, pour your grace, mercy, wisdom and peace her and I as we travel this road together and seperate. Lord, I beg you to keep us together if possible and if not possible that you leave the door open for us to become one again in the future.

Lord, I could and have tried to shame, force, cry, wail, shout, threaten, shame and fake you into action that I could measure. But you have rejected those false words and deeds. Now Lord, I come empty handed, open minded and broken hearted asking that you show me what YOU would have me do to stay out of your way and help you take this calamity and turn it into a goldmine of praise for you and blessing for my family.

 Amen

July 26, 2013: Well the pain train still bullets towards the cliff of the end of my life. She is determined to see this thru to the bitter end. I could fight her and make life bitter for everyone but that just shows everyone that she was right about me and I cant change. But I cant go back. I cant allow that to happen. Not for her only, but for my children. They need to know that I love them and that I WAS there for them when they needed me. So I hang on and put on my game face and swallow my pain and try and give the kids the best of me I can drag out of the mud and filth that is my soul.

My mother managed to get ahold of me last night despite my efforts to NOT answer her calls. She said she was sorry and that she loved me and that I am not a bad person and that I have done good in my life but what she sees and what I am inside are polar opposites. I AM TOXIC! Toxic to people. Toxic to animals. Toxic to all I touch. I cant wait to see what kind of works of art my kids turn out to be. Dont think I will be around to find out after this is all said and done. Every friend, family memeber and girlfriend I have ever gotten close to has found out how toxic I am. Its about time to put that part of me in the grave forever.

Last night she worked and I had the 2 little ones. The 15 year has not been home in a couple of weeks. She has latched onto my mom and dad for safety and support in all this. I cant blame her. Wife does not like it but she wants control and if she cant get it she wont deal with it. I dont know what to do. I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and cried and cried and cried and cried. Now I cant seem to do either very much anymore.

We ended up going to Menards and then stopping at the Speedway for Slushies. Got back to the house and we all sorted all the laundry. I yelled at them and was kinda rough but they just wont listen anymore. Its constant and never ending. They are showing the stress that she says they dont have in NOT listening and acting out anger. She does not see it because she is not around them very much. That will change soon enough.

My main thoughts are WHY will God NOT put forth his mighty hand and answer my prayers? Why would he let my family wallow in pain and anger and NOT step in and help and heal? Why would he let me live in anguish and pain? WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY....Why wont he give me peace? Why wont he give me assurance that in the future I will get my family back? Why would he give me more than I can handle? Its a big book of why's? I have reached my limits. I cant handle one more day of coldness and stubborness. I am at my end. I dont want to live anymore. I tried living and found that I am not very good at it. God made me this way and them he mocks me for who I am. Its a terrible thing to have the creator of all set forth rules and guidelines on how he wants his creations to live and behave and then create me......me.....who has tried everything possible to follow those guideline and rules and saying and wisdom nuggets by praying, waiting, trusting, fasting, crying out, weeping, groveling, begging, working, suffering and sweating...only to be ignored by HIM just when I needed him MOST!!!!

The most powerful feelings I have are of utter despair. I see my life of working on serving, honoring and loving him and wonder what I was doing? If he loves me sooooo much WHY would this be happening? WHY could it have happened BEFORE we had kids? WHY does he want to ruin their lifes? What can I teach them about him NOW? That he only answers prayers that HE finds profitable to HIM? Will he love you always? What will he do for you when you are in a desperate place? They see, hear and learn. She has already taught them that he will not answer prayers until it is to late to turn things around. She prayed to him for 2 years that I change. She prayed at the end that he kill either me or her just so she could get some relief. Then she stopped praying and believing. Then he changed me and she wanted none of it. SHE does not believe that God is good. She thinks that since God waited so long to answer her prayers that he does not love her or care about her heart. She will NEVER forgive him for making her go thru that. I dont think God can get thru to her anymore. She is bitter at him to the core and I am following in her footsteps. God, I hope that your are happy with this. I hope you get what you want. I hope your playing fast and loose with OUR lives is worth it for you. I hope that what YOU are allowing to happen to the kids does not backfire on you.

So, if you are God and do hear the little pissants you created like you claim to do, hear this one last prayer of mine. Kill me or put us back together...This ugly, mean, horrible, unholy place you have left me to wallow in is beyond my ability to stand! SO GET IT OVER WITH WILL YA???????????? Just bleed me out and let my family have the insurance money. She can find that better man you have waiting for her and the kids. Then they can live happy, blessed lifes without ever having to worry about Toxic me killing all the joy in their lifes anymore. So give me this one request....END ME! END ME and let them finaly LIVE!!!!

There it is...Toxic Mark ruining all her touches!

July 25th 2013. Yesterday was a day filled with hope, despair, anger, pain, fear and regret. On the down side my mother, whom I have been using as my therapist in all this madness, told me that she could no longer take the stress of hearing my troubles. That was a crushing blow. It has, however, turned me towards a closer walk with Jesus and thats a good thing. On the fear side I, once again, turned the whole ordeal over the the Lord with fear and trembling. Fear and trembling because I have been told time and again by biblical scholars that God may NOT allow my marriage to survive. That scares me! That God, the creator of the family, would let mine fail? The Lord of all that is would see fit to break up the family HE gave me? That Jesus, the lover of all mankind, could not over rule with his perfect love, the impact of my sins against her and her sins against me? That the Holy Heavenly Father would not move heaven and earth to grant the desire of one of his son's heart to love the woman and children that HE gave him with all his heart, mind, and soul...as commanded in the new testament? On the hope side I told a close friend that I was letting go and letting her go as she wanted. That I would not stand in her way. That I would not hinder her. That I would do everything I could to help her get out and on her feet. I told the friend that God must want this for her, to be free of me and my evil nature so that she could find the man of her dreams and live out her life in peace, love and happiness. The friend told me that Abraham had to be willing to sacrifice Issac on Gods alter before God moved greatly in their lifes. I asked where the friend came up with that and she said it just popped in her mind. Well this is my morning report. Let me finish it like this. Lord, grant me the strength to keep moving forward day by day. Give me the wisdom to guard my mouth and to filter everything I say thru your words. Give me the peace to crush the anger and pain that rages in my heart and soul for myself, you and others. Give me the joy to KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that YOU WILL put my family back together and that in doing so we will become so strong in love, respect and peace that people will see us and say "They MUST be Gods people becuase of the way they treat each other". Lord please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please fill her heart with your holy spirit and give her your eyes to see what is wating on her when she returns to me. Lord rekindle the love for me that once burned like the sun in her heart. Lord give her wisdom to do what is right in your eyes and the strength to fight of the slings and arrows of the devil. If you pray, please pray for my family and I..thanks

July 24th 2013 Called the only person that I could talk to about whats going on today. Told her that I had come to the conclusion that maybe the Lord is doing this because he has someone waiting for her that is better for her than I am. The person, my mother, began a tirade of BS, BS, BS. Then my 15 year old, who was staying overnight, chimed in on the other phone line Bullcrap, bullcrap, bullcrap. Eching grandma's words. I tried to explain that if I was going to be able to turn it over to God then I had to set my mind to the fact that God has someone better waiting for her and my kids. I was given the perfect woman and failed miserably in my marriage to her. Its my lifes work. Failures, failures, failures. I cant plan so I plan to fail at everything. I have yet to set a goal and reach it. God is so disappointed in me that he is stripping me of all that I hold dear so that they are not corrupted by my inept abilities to live a life of purpose and meaning. They will be better off with a man that God has set in place for them. Now my only supporter, my mother, told me that this thinking was BS and that she cannot take it anymore. So now God has closed every door to me. I have so burdened my own mother that she no longer wants to hear my problems. So now I stand truly alone. God has shown me that my wife is better off without me. He has shown me that my kids will be better off without me in their lifes. He has shown me that I can destroy ANY relationship, even with my own mother. So whats left? Nothing...nothing but to see keep my word and help her find a house to move away from me into with the kids. Nothing but to never burden my mother and father with my problems again. Nothing but to get the divorce paperwork finished and turned in so that my wife can have the freedom to find that man that the Lord has waiting on her. Nothing to do but to get them out of my life and settled into their new, better, God ordained life and stay away from them so my toxic nature does not infect them as it has everything I ever touch. Goals: 1) Get them out and settled into their new house and life. 2) Sell all I own and give them the money for their future. 3) Leave them and follow whatever path God sets my foot upon so that I dont infect them with my disease. Look for work outside the country so that I am unable to get to them even if I wanted. So there it is...just when I thought that I could sink no lower I find out that I am killing my own mother with it. Even when God confronts me with what I have done wrong I still continue to do the same thing, just to others I love. What kind of creature has God created with me? Is there not end to the pain and misery I can cause to everyone. Everyone is better off without me bringing them the pain and misery I carry inside me. Now the big question is HOW do I remove myself from their lifes? God, its obvious that the conflict that started over my realization that she and the kids are better off without me must have some validity. Mom's revalation that she cant go on listening to me is another piece of the puzzle that you have laid out on the table of my life. Is it time to cash in my chips or is it time for you to tip your hand and show me what the cards you hold have for me? I dont know. All I know is that I can no longer strive to convince her to stay because you MUST have somethig better waiting for her. Me standing in your way trying to show her what she will get is she stays is only getting in the way of your goal to give her a better life. I will no longer stand in that gap. I will try and give her the piece of mind to go. I will now wait to see where you lead me in this.....but I will no longer offer her a look at what I have to offer her if she stays. If I am wrong please let me know.

July 24th 2013 Well the Divorce wagon is still heading towards the Singles cliff. I worked all day yesterday while she had the kids all day for the first time in weeks. She met one of her co-workers at Kings Island and her kids and our kids rode rides and dodged rain for about 4 hours. This was the first time she was able to take the kids out on her own for weeks. She made no contact with me all day to let me know where they were or what they were doing. They got home right at 5:30. I asked if she wanted to do something together for the evening. She said how about we all go to El Rancho and get some chips and salsa. So she showered and we went. She got a iced adult beverage and as typical, only finished half of it. After dinner we hit Krogers and got the boy some motrin because he was still complaining that his legs ached. Finished and headed for the house. I stopped at Speedway and let the 2 kids get Slushies and got her some of her favorite chocolates. Got home and she hit the bed and I massaged her feet and legs for a couple of hours while the 2 little ones watched Dumbo and the National Geographic show "Battle for Midway". She rested and they watched and I massaged till 11. Sent them to their room at 11 and she rolled over and put the pillow between us and slept. I layed down my weary head and slept. Up at 5 and prayed till 6 begging God to give me my family back and a second chance. In all this I have come to realize that SHE might be better off without me. The children might have a better dad waiting on them out there in God's plans. I have to accept that fact that God my have already given me my last chance at raising HIS children right and treating HIS daughter (my wife) properly. God may be setting this up so that they can find the person that God KNOWS is best for them to live with and raise them. I should not be hard to find someone better than me for them. I destroy all I touch. Everything I have tried to do in life has either failed miserabley OR never got finished. Lord, let your will be done in ALL out lifes. Teach me to let go of all this so that YOUR will be done in our lifes. I accept the fact that you might want her to find another man who is a better provider, husband, father and lover. Lord, I accept the fact that my children might be better off with a dad that YOU provide for them after the divorce. I cannot say that I am comfortable with the idea BUT if it happens then I know that it is YOUR will for I have given this over to you and begged you to keep us together. So if you let us split then I will know that you want me to let ALL of them go and find the better place you have made for them. You created the family and hate divorce BUT you know whats best for us and if we split then I must assume that you have a better place for my wife and my kids than with me. All I ask is that you remove me from them if I will be a hinderance to your will in their lifes. I have created this place that I must now dwell in. I never wanted this. I never dreamed it would happen. I can say that I am crushed under the weight of my own sin. I suffer and the ones I love most suffer as well. I cannot stop it. I cannot slow it down. I cannot escape it. I cannot live with it. This WILL kill me in the long run. I will let her know that I want her to go because she deserves better. I will stop trying to keep her. I will stop talking of her staying with me as s good thing. I will stop asking her to stay and work it out. I will now give her the open road to go. I will no longer try and influence her with words and deeds. I will step aside and let her move forward at her own pace. I will stop telling her that the kids are better off with their parents married and loving. God showed me this today as I was crying out to him. The words were "what if she is better off without you?". "What if the kids are better off with a man she finds"?. I heard the words, had the thought and know that he is right. She will be better off without me. Now my life will become more focused. Focused on helping her get her feet under her and out on her own. Focused and prepping the kids for a new dad who will treat them btter than I have. Focused letting my family go. I hope I am strong enough to stand tall and keep my faith, resolve and sanity as I begin to work this thru my heart, mind, and soul. I am so sorry Lord that I put you in this position. You dont want to do these things but I have given you no option. Please forgive me!

Perhaps I am going about this the wrong way. Lets put this in perspective. 96 days ago my wife of 22 years KNEW without a doubt that I was going to leave her in the future. When? She did not know BUT she knew I was going as soon as I could. She also KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I DID NOT LOVE HER! She knew these things because I WANTED her to think to scare her into letting me in on the finances. My plan backfired in a very bad way. So what has happened in 95 days? She has not moved out. We sleep in the same bed. She does not hide her nakedness from me. She lets me massager her everywhere (except very private areas). We speak everyday. We go out together alone and with the kids. We hold hands. She went to 6 weeks of counseling with me in the effort to work it out. She is going to move out WHEN she finds a house close to me so that the kids can stay in their school. She asked that I help her find a house to move into. She has let me know that we will date each other when she moves out. She asked for a dusalutionment instead of a court ordered divorce. She is not seeing anyone. She wants to start as friends and see how she feels after some time passes. She says she loves me but not like a wife should lover her husband. She wants us to STAY friends no matter what she decides to do. She promised to never keep the kids from me. She admits that her heart says stay but her mind says she must go. She says she must go so that she can come back on her own. She tells me I am a good man. She tells me she finds me attractive. She tells me I am handsome. She does not complain when I take the kids to Church. She is polite and considerate of everything I do and tells me so. The things she is doing don’t point to a woman that wants to leave her husband. As one person put it, she is not fighting me, she is fighting God and her heart. That is a battle that a woman will lose everytime. So all I have to do is keep treating her like Jesus would with unconditional love no matter what she does and wait for God to bring her to where he wants her to be. Once that happens we can work it our and make our life together again. With a stronger, deeper, richer love for each other than we have ever had! Lord, please give me the strength to remain true and strong as you work your will out in her life. Give me direction and wisdom in every action I take from this point on. Please stop me from getting in the way and slowing your will down. But most of all Lord, please, if possible, don’t let her move out. Let US move out together to a new home in a quite place where we can raise our kids and live out our lives with your blessing, loving each other as you love us! Amen

It’s been 95 days since my world started to run like sand thru my fingers. I cannot run for my feet are chained I cannot fly for my wings are broken I cannot hide for my world is glass I cannot escape for my prison is strong I cannot win for my game is already lost I cry to Jesus for help I pray to God for peace I shout to the Lord for relief I beg I AM for an end I scream to our savior for death Let me clarify what is going on in my life right now. My wife of 22 years is leaving me. She is leaving me for 2 reasons. The first is that I have been a selfish, emotionally distant cad to her for over a year. The second reason is that she is 46 years old and has hit the women’s mid life crisis of over half her life is over and she has nothing to show for it. Some of the reasons I treated her so badly go back 17 years ago to an event that crushed my trust and love for her. We did not deal with it correctly and my reaction made it far worse that it actually was. Some of the other reasons were because she spent all our money...period. I was trying to get her to the table to discuss how we could correct that but once again my methods had the reverse affect and the opposite of what I wanted happened. So now she wants out and I have to give her what she wants. I give it to her without a fight because she has requested that we do this as friends for the sake of the kids. She has done everything in her power to keep everything fair. She has bent over backwards to give me the opportunity to be her friend. I can’t give you every example of how she has handled this with grace, tact, and poise Because there are so many. Her dedication to going thru this without conflict is iron. She has offered her hand as a friend and loves me as much. But even thru all her fantastic effort to see this thru calmly I am dying. She sees safety and happiness on her own. I see damage and failure at her leaving. The damage will be the kids and the failure will be mine for ever letting our relationship get to this point. I have prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed that God move in this strongly. I have prayed for God to heal her heart, mind, and soul. I have prayed that God show her the love for her that I have. I have begged for Jesus to open her heart to the needs of the kids. I have cried out for the Holy Spirit in her to show her how she will be loved if she stays. I have told her that I have changed. I have changed. The day she announced that we were done God ripped out all my pride, ego, self centeredness, anger, rage, lust, and lies. I have shown her nothing by love and affection for the last 95 days. I have not let a day go by without letting her know that I love her and she is beautiful. I have made it my mission to see that I treat her like a gentleman at all times. But I am a weak man and don’t know how much longer I can hang on. My sanity wanes, my tears flow daily, my desire for life fades and flickers, my energy is drained away, my time with the kids is marked by forced happiness and bitter regret, my time with her is punctuated with deep love and poverty level despair. I am a wreck. I don’t know who I am. I can’t see a future. I hate myself for what I have allowed to happen. I cannot live and I cannot die. I am in purgatory and have no hope of a brighter outlook. I don’t know what to do. I did decide at the beginning that I had 2 ways to deal with this. I could pull out the guns and fight her tooth and nail. Or I could take that Jesus path and show her love and kindness no matter what she did to me. Picking the Jesus path has been the only thing I have done right in this whole nasty story. Had I picked the other path the kids would have suffered greatly and there would have never been a chance that she would every want to put this back together again. The Jesus path leave the kids as damage free as possible and keeps the door open for her to come back. So here I sit, 95 days later, and pour out my heart in font. I cannot repair the past damage but I can decide to never be the way I was. I CHOOSE to change and cannot go back to who and what I was. If she stays I offer a fantastic future with a husband that will devote himself to his wife completely. I can say this because I have made all the mistakes and now I know how NOT to treat a wife. Know what NOT to do is a better teacher that learning what TO do at times. I have made her my subject and I study hard to pass this test. I have learned so very much and I now beg God to please give me my family back. Lord Jesus, please, please, please let me have my family back. Lord, I have learned my lesson. I know what I did was wrong and beg for your forgiveness. Please Lord gives this old man another chance to show my beloved wife that I can be the man she dreamed I would be. You created the family and you have divorce. Please Lord, hate this divorce, and don’t let it happen. Pour your grace and wisdom on her and I. Lord I don’t know how much more I can take. Please Lord, please, please, please Lord give me peace and joy. Lord please halt this trip down the broad road and keep us from entering the wide gate. Lord set us back on the narrow path and let us go thru the narrow gate. Lord fill her heart with YOUR love. Bring her back to YOUR will and YOUR path. Lead her back to you and she will find me standing next to you waiting for her. Lord, there is nothing to small or great for you to do, please Lord, show my family love and mercy, and bring about your will without tearing it apart. Please Lord stop the madness. Amen. I can type no more. I am exhausted and lonely. I have poured my love onto her for these long months and have not gotten a single I love you back. It does drain one to give so much and get nothing in return. But I cannot, will not quit! For better or worse is what I promised and this will be the only promise I have ever made that I will NOT break!

For three months now we have been in the process of getting her ready to move out. We have done most of the paperwork for the breakup of our marriage. She has started the work for getting a loan for the place she will move into. I have started the process of refinancing our old house so she can have money for the down payment on her place. The 8 and 10 year old are excited that they get their own rooms and the 15 year old claims that she will not stay with mom because she does not want to be her live in baby sitter. My life was shattered 3 months ago. Now the pieces are starting to fall to the ground. Soon enough I will be the divorced father and husbnad. Soon enough I will have free time I never wanted. My family and friends tell me to get a hobby, to go out and live. They dont understand that my hobby and life was my kids. I NEVER left my kids at home and pursued a hobby. I ALWAYS made them my top priority. I loved to be with them and, to me, being with them was living. They were and still are my world. But now I must start to build a life based on WHEN I get them. No longer will I be able to just decided to take them out for dinner or a slushie. But such is the women I created. She thinks she is getting free of me when in reality SHE is going where I sent her. I never dreamed that she would leave me for what I did NOT do. But she is and there is no changing her mind. My only hope is that God steps in and changes her heart like her did mine. But most of God's amazing blessings are done when all else seems locked in place and unchangable. When you see the gun pointed at you and you hear the crack of it going off and you KNOW that you are dead...that is when he steps in and changes everything. If you are reading this and believe in God then please pray that he steps in and saves my family from the pain that awaits down the road that is wide and the gate that is broad. I pray for those in dire straight I pray for those at hells gate I pray for those who live in fear I pray for those who's end is near I pray for those who have not heard I pray for those to find the word But mostley what I pray at night Is that God makes her heart right

Greetings all!!! While the pain is still fresh and the hurt still stings I have managed to scribble down some short books on Kindle. Please check them out! Thanks Short but almost true story from my youth! http://www.amazon.com/Convertables-how-fast-can-ebook/dp/B00DWBHQ4W/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1374069473&sr=1-1&keywords=how+fast+can+you+run Another almost completely true stroy from my life as a young man! http://www.amazon.com/City-Chicken-Assault-Squadron-ebook/dp/B00DVP4LY2/ref=sr_1_2?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1374069708&sr=1-2 A Christian fiction story about the battle for a soul! Be ready to cry! http://www.amazon.com/The-Battleground-ebook/dp/B00DRLM6YM/ref=sr_1_7?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1374069708&sr=1-7 Poems that I have scribble down over the last 3 month my life has fallen apart!http://www.amazon.com/Poems-Prose-pain-regret-ebook/dp/B00DSEDXPE/ref=sr_1_8?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1374069708&sr=1-8 Please look them over. I also have a complete line of Zombie wear on cafepress.com. Just look for Zombie Nation Thanks

God, the Bible and ADHD, ADD

I prayed for years that God would show me the path in life he laid for me. The one that would lead me to his perfect peace, give me a loving family and a profession that would bring him honor and glory. What I got was a hodge-podge life of half finished projects and my dreams and goals lying dead in the dust of time. Now I want to ask God a few questions about my life. Why have you not opened up the way before me? Why have you not given me the ability to do the impossible tasks that the Bible lays out for men to do to be true saints of God. Why did you create me this way and them command thru scripture that I act contrary to the way you designed me? Why did you give me such a wonderful wife and let he do the things she had done to break my trust? Why did you ignore my pleas, cries, moans, and groans as I sought out your will for my life, why have you hidden my purpose from me? Why have you not answered the simplest of prayers for the house? Why have you ignored my repeated prayer to make me a planned and diligent in all I do? Why have you shut your ears to my begging for a new character? Why have you given me such a bad memory? Why did you not lead me into higher education? Why, why, why????? Had I had the determination of Moses, the strength of Jacob, the patience of Job, the wisdom of Solomon and the courage of David I might have been a great man for the Lord and my family. But you, O God, gave me the desire and drive to be the average person walking the streets. Now I am average. I am as average as the unsaved. The loser son of the Lord. Now at mid-life I see the path behind me running in random directions as I moved where I believed that God had wanted me. I made plans but could never focus long enough to see them thru. I had dreams but could never figure out how to translate them to action. I was waiting for God to help me put them together and I THOUGHT I was honoring him by letting him direct my way in life and blindly following. Was I wrong to trust him to take care of me like a child? Was it not Jesus that said unless you come to me as on of these little ones you cannot enter the kingdom? How does that play into planning life and not letting God lead yours? I have found that just letting go and letting God can lead you to a place where he can’t use you. The Bible asks what man builds a tower before he has the plans? It also says that each of us is made unique for what God plans for us. So how cruel is it to create people who are ADHD but don’t know it and tell them that hey are fools for trying to build towers without plan, for trying to be diligent, for trying to developed habits that go against the very fabric of their design? How is that love? Its not love! Its cruelty, mean and horrible. I have tried for over 20 years to be the planned, diligent, forward thinker that the Bible tells me I should be. But to no avail. EVERYTHING I have ever tried at I have failed at. And for the most part, everything I have tried has been with prayer to God to help me. So this begs the question, why would God be so cruel as to make me the way I am and demand that I behave differently? Why would he be so mean to me? Why would he not answer my prayer about this over the last 20 years? Why would a good God let me anguish all these years over the fact that no matter how hard I tried I could not measure up to the great men of the Bible and how they lived daily life’s? Why, Why, Why, Why??????? So there it is, a ADHD Christian and how God makes impossible demands on me. I fear that God's unwillingness to help me overcome this has left me broken and crushed along the pathway of life. I feel betrayed, alone and unworthy.

The hand

The hand The hand is strong to hold me close, The hand is soft to soothe my pain, The hand is weak to let me fly, The hand is small so I feel big, The hand is big to protect soul, The hand is gentle to guide me home, The hand is dirty to teach me work, The hand is wet from my tears, The hand is bleeding from my wounds, The hand is warm to melt my heart, The hand is pushing to move me forward, The hand is tight to keep me going, The hand is God's and it is perfect!