Dont have much to say. Not much went on last night. Parents took the kids and she went to work. Rexted her around 10. No response. Texted her at 7am and no response. Prayed, prayed, prayed last night. Did not sleep well. With the kids gone the house was so very lonely. I cant shake this depression and fear that grips my heart. I KNOW that God is going to have his will in this whole nasty business. I KNOW that whatever happens God is going to make it perfect. Too many people are praying. Too many people are on their knees calling out to him to save the marriage for him to ignore it. She is even praying again....
Now the only barrier is me. Can I take the fear, pain and anguish that is surely waiting for me down this road?
Will I be able to see it to the end to GET the blessings God is preparing for my family?
I PRAY that his will is that we be married and raise the children TOGETHER in a Godly home!
But I am toxic. God has changed me, there is no doubt about to in my mind. But will it stick? Is it just a facade? Will I remain who I am in the coming storms? I pray that Jesus give me the strength to stay the way I am changes!
Deep in my soul no one sees the quaking sobs
Deep in my heart no one sees the broken dreams
Deep in my mind no one sees the vile images
Jesus, Please love me.....love me, love me, love me. My heart screams "you are not worthy of any love! You break the heart of everyone that loves you! You are dangerous to all who come near! Look at all the blessings you have turned into curses!"
Lord, please take my heart, soul and mind. I cant deal with this confusion and pain. My heart hates me, my soul is a rotting pile of sin covered in the blood of those I wound and kill with words and thoughts, my mind is a jumbled mass of whirling, evil thoughts peppered with fear, guilt, doubt and hate. Lord please take it all. I cant bear the burden any longer.
Lord your word say to be still andl wait on you, yet you give me the inablity to do so. You tell me to do things that are almost impossible to do the way you made me.
Lord if you dont help me soon I fear the I will reach the breaking point and do something stupid. Lord, I give it all to you, even though you hold the burden I cant take my eyes off of it. I live it evey minute, every hour, every day! There is no way to NOT have to deal with it every day.
Lord, I beg you for help. For relief. For your spirit to burst forth from my heart and cover me in love and direction. Lord, you MUST guide me and calm me. I beg you.
Lord, please keep leading her back to you. Lord, please lead her to invite your will into her life again. Lord, pour the love for me back into her heart! Lead us Jesus, lead us! We are one. Please keep us one!
Lord, I pray all this in the wonderful name of Jesus. Amen
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