I am a shell of a man. My whole life evaporates in front of my eyes. I want to live but I cant. I want to die but I cant. God should be my focus but I cant see. Jesus should be my rock but in the storm my grip is weak and I cant hold on. Trusting in him is what I should do but I am shattered so bad that I dont trust anyone. I quake with terror at every new day. I shake with fear at every new hour. I break with anguish at every new minute. I know what God's word says but I dont have the strength to do it.

If I kill myself the kids will suffer from it their whole life.
If we divorce the kids will suffer from it their whole life.
If I die at God's will then they will suffer BUT they know I died loving their mother.
God, kill me. Kill me now. Kill me quickly.
This is the only way that will work out for everyone in this whole crappy mess.
This way the kids wont suffer the insecurity of a broken home.
She does not have to be the bad guy, the one demanding separation, she gets a clean break where she is seen by them as losing a loved husband.
The kids get to remember their mom and dad together as one.
They get the insurance money.
I get to leave my family something for their future.

Its a win, win..so God, please kill me and get this over with.
Let me die and bring peace to all in my family.
Let me die and release her from my curse.
Let me die and bring an end to this madness and pain for all involved.

So please Lord, since you wont answer my pleas to let her love me again and not break up the family answer my prayer and kill me. Kill me, kill me , kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me......

I hear the sermon from the preacher on the radio right now and he states that if I learn to trust him I will walk wisely, God is perfect and all wise and will only give us what is best for us. Obey God, trust him, and he will bring amazing blessing out of the dirtiest place. He will encourage us and strengthen us for the task IF we trust him to bring it to his perfect end.
I WILL BE WITH YOU.....Fear not, be courageous. Facing your fear and letting God bring us thru it. What we are is how we respond to what God gives us.
Dont give up and lose sight of the goal. I know its the right thing to do and I am going to do it no matter what.
Meditate on his word, listen to the prompting of the holy spirit and trust him to bring us thru whatever we face to his perfect blessing.

Now that sounds easy and the words are true BUT I am a weak man, I am a scared man, I am a scarred man, I am a fearful man, I am a doubting man, I cannot stay focused and I cannot find trust.

So Lord , if you are not going to give me some glimmer of hope in this whole mess then give me the option of dying and giving what blessings I can to my family by dying!

Lord, let me die. Give me the dignity of a quick, accidental death.