Well today is the day. The lawyer has the paperwork all ready for her and I to sign. She wants to go sign it together today and then go out to dinner. The kids will be at the lake with the grandparents. I already told her that I did not want to go with her to sign these evil parchments. I will sign them when she is not around. I dont want her to see me break down and cry like a baby over a lost toy. I dont want to see her again for a while after I sign. I cant see her. She is the devils plaything right now, just like I was in the past. I see her make these choices that scream pain, anguish, agony and hate for all involved. But they seem to have no effect upon her at all. Now I know what she went thru with me for a long time. So very sad that what I sowed for so long has spung up in a nice ripe crop of payback. But its been told me to hate the sin but LOVE the sinner. Yes, she is doing this to myself and the kids BUT she is still a Christian and she even admits to praying for the situation so I must conclude that God is working in the midst of this ungodly mess. I HAVE to pin my hopes in that fact or I will go insane.
So Friday I will stumble into the lawyers office and cry my way thru the signing of my familys death certificate. She will then go to work Friday, Sat and Sunday nights and I will try and not make any contact with her. I dont count it official until we stand in front of the judge but its coming. I pray that the Lord will show me some leadership in what to do after that day. I dont know if he will...in a way I can understand. I can only pray that God keep working in this family. I cant make him, I cant will him, I can only ask him.
The main question I keep asking...is it his will that this family remain together? Will he do whatever it takes to keep this family intact and keep the little ones from feeling the ravages of the demon of divorce? Will he honor what I was trying to do in the family? Will he hear the prayers of my kids and keep mommy and daddy together? Will he hear her pryaers and give her guidance? Will he hear the prayers of all the people parying for us to work it out? it all boils down to is it his WILL that we work this out? Or am I just wasting my time and energy on a pipe dream?
That is all I want to know? I dont want the winning powerball numbers. I dont want a six figure income. I dont want to be a big name around town. I dont want to drive the fastest car. I dont want to show off with anything I own. I dont want fame and glory. ALL I want to know is if God is going to let me keep my family together. Is that so much to ask? Is that too much to ask? Is that my right to ask? Why cant I ask and expect a clear answer?
So there it is....I pray to God and hear the devil whispering in my ears. I ask for guidance and get silence. I ask for a life jacket and get a chain. I ask for a light in the darkenss and get sunglasses. I ask for comfort and get fire ants. I beg God for help but he has his earbuds in and the rock music playing loud. I RUN the 999 step to him and find him with his back to me. I scream but no sound makes it thru. I beg for mercy and get pain. I rage for intervention and get more of the same. I look for God and he hides from me. I ask for relief and get more burdens added.
Will God hear the prayers of all those effected and involved in this? God only knows. Can I make it thu this alive? God only knows. Will I turn bitter and end up hating the sinner for her sins? God only knows. Will God love me again enough to ease my pain and give me back the thing I want most on this earth, my family? God only knows and he is NOT speaking to me.
Dear Lord, I have prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed for your help, your guidance, your wisdom, your mercy, your intervention, your hand, your you. I have seen little blessing here and there and I thank you for them. But the one blessing I seek today is the blessing of knowledge. The knowledge that it is YOUR will that we will work this out and will be together in the end. The knowledge that you are working towards that end. The knowledge that you WANT that to happen.
Lord I know that you want us to trust you enough to KNOW that you are always working for the very best for us BUT you also let us know that you may WANT the very best for us but are unable to provide it due to free will. So therein lies my request for knowledge. You KNOW the future. You SEE the future. You MAKE the future. You ARE the future. So my plea is that you part the viel of time and show me what happens to my wife and family in the near future. WILL we remain an intact family OR will be become one of those disposable familys of this age of false commitments and empty promises. Please Lord, give me this insight, wisdom, blessing, loving foresight.
But it all boils down to trust. Do I trust God enough to just whistle blindly down the road and trust that God will turn me away from bad side roads and lead me onto good side road? Is that what God wants? Us to just blindly walk about like zombies trusting that God will give us a bottle, change our diapers, wipe the drool off our shins? Is that what he wants? Or does he want us to plan our futures asking for his guidance and blessings? Yes, that is what he wants...he wants adult followers that plan and trust.
But I babble on trying to convince myself that God will do for me what he did for David. God let David rape Bathsheba, murder her husband (an honorable, brave, loyal subject), and father a child from the rape. God also let David watch as his child died. BUT then God let him keep Bathsheba as a beloved wife and father one of the wisest men in the Bible. Even after David lied, cheated, slandered, plotted, planned and murdered God let David keep his life and wife. But David loved the Lord and the Lord loved David. I cant offer God anything CLOSE to what David had to offer so why would God do anywhere near for me what he did for him?
Should I expect the same mercy that David got? Only God knows. Only God sets the bar for fairness. Only God decides whom he will bless and who he will curse. What hope have I of even getting a passing glance from God? I am a worm that has sinned greatly in Gods sight...not as bad as David but then again, I am not David. I am unworthy of any blessing that God might do for me. I dont get what I deserve and I dont deserve what I get.
But I ask anyway...God, please turn this around! Lord, open her eyes to the damage she is doing. Jesus, open her heart and let the bitterness and anger flow out like water and pour in your love and peace. Master, take charge of my family and break the curse that the devil has thown onto us. Lord, block his words, stop his mouth, remove him utterly from my house and our lifes. Jesus, rebuke satan and drive him away. Break these chains that bind her heart and soul in darkness. Jesus, give her a glimpse into what awaits her at the end should she continue on this wide road thru the wide gate. Lord deal with her like you did me. Suddenly and instanstly open her eyes and mind to the danger she is putting the family in. Lord I have begged and pleaded and cried for your help. Now I beg and plead and cry to you again.
PLEASE LORD, give me HOPE and PEACE that you are working this towards YOUR perfect will. And please Lord let the will be that I get to keep the perfect women that you gave me 22 years ago and that I get to keep my family of 15 years intact and whole. Ready to serve you.
Lord, give me hope. Its that simple. Please let me know that you WILL NOT LET THIS FAMILY BECOME A "W" IN THE DEVILS WIN COLUMN. Lord, only YOU can do this....only YOU can steer this into calm, safe harbors.
Lord, I could type this prayer all day long. I could pray it all day long. I DO pray it all day long. Only YOU can clean this up and bring it together again. Please Lord finish your work quickly and do your will. I am tired of fighting your will. I am ANGRY at you for letting it get this far. I am HURT that YOU would do THIS to me! I greive that YOU would let this go on and on like you have. I am frustrated that YOU will not stop this. You are hurting me so very badly. You are stripping all that I hold dear from me, all that YOU hold dear also. Marriage, Faith, Church, family, Children....all these your cherish. All these things you hold up as Godly and all these things you seek to take from me. Why? Why would you do that? What could you possible want from me at this point? Am I not low enough yet? Am I not scared enough yet? Do I not fear you enough yet? Am I not crushed enough yet? Am I not depleted of self yet? Is there no hope left in me? What more can I do or not do to stop this madness? What more can I pray? Am I able to MAKE myself trust YOU more?
I dont know what to do anymore. I have given it to you over and over again with the hope and prayer that YOU will do whats right and keep this family together. But I hear trained Biblical men tell me that this may not work out. That YOU may allow it to happen. That YOU might NOT step in and help? That YOU might have to wait for HER to decide that she wants it back. That YOU will not MAKE her come back. To them I say BAH! She HAS asked your help with her decisions. She HAS prayed from your guidance. She HAS begged you for wisdom. I, the kids and many other have prayed that same prayers. Now its up to YOU to either honor your words "Where 2 or 3 are gathered in my name whatever they ask in faith I will do" or you don't. Its that simple...your reputations on the line here.
Forgive me for questioning your intergity Lord. I cannot WILL myself to trust things. I trust that my car will start every morning because it did from day one. I trust that the bridge will hold me when I drive over it everyday because it has from day one. I trust because these things proved trustworthy from day one. Lord, please help me trust you. Forgive my dis-belief and help my belief. Lord, forgive your scared, shaking, scattered servant and breath your peace into my heart. Clean up my soul and deliver me from the snare and traps of the evil one. Please do the same for my family! Help us Lord to do the right thing at the right time.
Once again I beg for guidance in all that I do. Keep me from hindering your work in her and the family.
Lord, please, please, please, please, please, please, please show mercy to me in this marriage problem. Give me hope...make it clear, I am dense and slow Lord. Show the world that when you get involved only GREAT things happen! Please give this marriage another chance with YOU involved and wanted by all!
Amen
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