July 26, 2013: Well the pain train still bullets towards the cliff of the end of my life. She is determined to see this thru to the bitter end. I could fight her and make life bitter for everyone but that just shows everyone that she was right about me and I cant change. But I cant go back. I cant allow that to happen. Not for her only, but for my children. They need to know that I love them and that I WAS there for them when they needed me. So I hang on and put on my game face and swallow my pain and try and give the kids the best of me I can drag out of the mud and filth that is my soul.

My mother managed to get ahold of me last night despite my efforts to NOT answer her calls. She said she was sorry and that she loved me and that I am not a bad person and that I have done good in my life but what she sees and what I am inside are polar opposites. I AM TOXIC! Toxic to people. Toxic to animals. Toxic to all I touch. I cant wait to see what kind of works of art my kids turn out to be. Dont think I will be around to find out after this is all said and done. Every friend, family memeber and girlfriend I have ever gotten close to has found out how toxic I am. Its about time to put that part of me in the grave forever.

Last night she worked and I had the 2 little ones. The 15 year has not been home in a couple of weeks. She has latched onto my mom and dad for safety and support in all this. I cant blame her. Wife does not like it but she wants control and if she cant get it she wont deal with it. I dont know what to do. I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and cried and cried and cried and cried. Now I cant seem to do either very much anymore.

We ended up going to Menards and then stopping at the Speedway for Slushies. Got back to the house and we all sorted all the laundry. I yelled at them and was kinda rough but they just wont listen anymore. Its constant and never ending. They are showing the stress that she says they dont have in NOT listening and acting out anger. She does not see it because she is not around them very much. That will change soon enough.

My main thoughts are WHY will God NOT put forth his mighty hand and answer my prayers? Why would he let my family wallow in pain and anger and NOT step in and help and heal? Why would he let me live in anguish and pain? WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY....Why wont he give me peace? Why wont he give me assurance that in the future I will get my family back? Why would he give me more than I can handle? Its a big book of why's? I have reached my limits. I cant handle one more day of coldness and stubborness. I am at my end. I dont want to live anymore. I tried living and found that I am not very good at it. God made me this way and them he mocks me for who I am. Its a terrible thing to have the creator of all set forth rules and guidelines on how he wants his creations to live and behave and then create me......me.....who has tried everything possible to follow those guideline and rules and saying and wisdom nuggets by praying, waiting, trusting, fasting, crying out, weeping, groveling, begging, working, suffering and sweating...only to be ignored by HIM just when I needed him MOST!!!!

The most powerful feelings I have are of utter despair. I see my life of working on serving, honoring and loving him and wonder what I was doing? If he loves me sooooo much WHY would this be happening? WHY could it have happened BEFORE we had kids? WHY does he want to ruin their lifes? What can I teach them about him NOW? That he only answers prayers that HE finds profitable to HIM? Will he love you always? What will he do for you when you are in a desperate place? They see, hear and learn. She has already taught them that he will not answer prayers until it is to late to turn things around. She prayed to him for 2 years that I change. She prayed at the end that he kill either me or her just so she could get some relief. Then she stopped praying and believing. Then he changed me and she wanted none of it. SHE does not believe that God is good. She thinks that since God waited so long to answer her prayers that he does not love her or care about her heart. She will NEVER forgive him for making her go thru that. I dont think God can get thru to her anymore. She is bitter at him to the core and I am following in her footsteps. God, I hope that your are happy with this. I hope you get what you want. I hope your playing fast and loose with OUR lives is worth it for you. I hope that what YOU are allowing to happen to the kids does not backfire on you.

So, if you are God and do hear the little pissants you created like you claim to do, hear this one last prayer of mine. Kill me or put us back together...This ugly, mean, horrible, unholy place you have left me to wallow in is beyond my ability to stand! SO GET IT OVER WITH WILL YA???????????? Just bleed me out and let my family have the insurance money. She can find that better man you have waiting for her and the kids. Then they can live happy, blessed lifes without ever having to worry about Toxic me killing all the joy in their lifes anymore. So give me this one request....END ME! END ME and let them finaly LIVE!!!!

There it is...Toxic Mark ruining all her touches!