Tuesday, July 16, 2013

God, the Bible and ADHD, ADD

I prayed for years that God would show me the path in life he laid for me. The one that would lead me to his perfect peace, give me a loving family and a profession that would bring him honor and glory. What I got was a hodge-podge life of half finished projects and my dreams and goals lying dead in the dust of time. Now I want to ask God a few questions about my life. Why have you not opened up the way before me? Why have you not given me the ability to do the impossible tasks that the Bible lays out for men to do to be true saints of God. Why did you create me this way and them command thru scripture that I act contrary to the way you designed me? Why did you give me such a wonderful wife and let he do the things she had done to break my trust? Why did you ignore my pleas, cries, moans, and groans as I sought out your will for my life, why have you hidden my purpose from me? Why have you not answered the simplest of prayers for the house? Why have you ignored my repeated prayer to make me a planned and diligent in all I do? Why have you shut your ears to my begging for a new character? Why have you given me such a bad memory? Why did you not lead me into higher education? Why, why, why????? Had I had the determination of Moses, the strength of Jacob, the patience of Job, the wisdom of Solomon and the courage of David I might have been a great man for the Lord and my family. But you, O God, gave me the desire and drive to be the average person walking the streets. Now I am average. I am as average as the unsaved. The loser son of the Lord. Now at mid-life I see the path behind me running in random directions as I moved where I believed that God had wanted me. I made plans but could never focus long enough to see them thru. I had dreams but could never figure out how to translate them to action. I was waiting for God to help me put them together and I THOUGHT I was honoring him by letting him direct my way in life and blindly following. Was I wrong to trust him to take care of me like a child? Was it not Jesus that said unless you come to me as on of these little ones you cannot enter the kingdom? How does that play into planning life and not letting God lead yours? I have found that just letting go and letting God can lead you to a place where he can’t use you. The Bible asks what man builds a tower before he has the plans? It also says that each of us is made unique for what God plans for us. So how cruel is it to create people who are ADHD but don’t know it and tell them that hey are fools for trying to build towers without plan, for trying to be diligent, for trying to developed habits that go against the very fabric of their design? How is that love? Its not love! Its cruelty, mean and horrible. I have tried for over 20 years to be the planned, diligent, forward thinker that the Bible tells me I should be. But to no avail. EVERYTHING I have ever tried at I have failed at. And for the most part, everything I have tried has been with prayer to God to help me. So this begs the question, why would God be so cruel as to make me the way I am and demand that I behave differently? Why would he be so mean to me? Why would he not answer my prayer about this over the last 20 years? Why would a good God let me anguish all these years over the fact that no matter how hard I tried I could not measure up to the great men of the Bible and how they lived daily life’s? Why, Why, Why, Why??????? So there it is, a ADHD Christian and how God makes impossible demands on me. I fear that God's unwillingness to help me overcome this has left me broken and crushed along the pathway of life. I feel betrayed, alone and unworthy.

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