July 30th 2013 2:55pm:

This morning I gave it to God and now I struggle with taking it back. The battle is strong in me right now. As I listened to the radio while I worked there was program after program on how divorce affects the kids and how to live after divorce. OK, maybe it was not one after another but it was at least 2 in the time I have been at my desk.

PRAYER..... Lord, were those programs directed at me? Lord you know how I feel. You poured so much love for her in my heart that I cant contain it. I cant take my eyes off her when we are together. I should be furious about what she has done to our savings but I cant seem to capture that emotion. before all this happened I was able to turn off all feelings for her. I was able to be ice cold and not care. Now I dont know how I was able to turn off the emotions. I would love to shut the door to the pain and fear but I cant. When I get near her my heart softens and melts. She is all that I could hope for in a women. All that I could dream for in a wife. All that I could wish as a mom for our children and all that I would pray for as a life mate. Lord, please find me worthy of keeping her and the family that you gave me.

Lord, I messed up, I failed, I sinned, I let everyone down and shamed you Lord. Lord forgive me, heal her and unite us! Lord, if possible, give me assurance that you are going to let me keep your daughter as my wife and your children as my kids. Lord, hear this dirty sinner and give ear to my wailing. I am not worthy of these things I ask of you. I have no grounds to request these blessings. I have destroyed a the love and respect of a great women, a godly women. I have caused her to turn from you.

I know what I have done. I know the evil I did in the name of being holy. But you are also the God of second, third and fourth chances. Lord I am asking for a fifth chance, sixth chance and maybe a seventh chance. Please Lord allow me to show those I hurt wirh anger and fear that thru you anger will be converted to deep love and fear will be replaced with unfailing trust.

Lord, I am sorry and want to do the right thing. Please rebuild the family you gave me Lord and then guide me as I guide them again. Lord, I ask this in the name of Jesus who died for our sins. Lord please lead me to the place of leadership in your family again. Allow me another chance at it Lord, please!

Give me peace as you work and joy in knowing that you are moving us towards each other. Lord, if possible, bless me with more little blessed nuggets today Lord. Thanks and Amen