It’s been 95 days since my world started to run like sand thru my fingers. I cannot run for my feet are chained I cannot fly for my wings are broken I cannot hide for my world is glass I cannot escape for my prison is strong I cannot win for my game is already lost I cry to Jesus for help I pray to God for peace I shout to the Lord for relief I beg I AM for an end I scream to our savior for death Let me clarify what is going on in my life right now. My wife of 22 years is leaving me. She is leaving me for 2 reasons. The first is that I have been a selfish, emotionally distant cad to her for over a year. The second reason is that she is 46 years old and has hit the women’s mid life crisis of over half her life is over and she has nothing to show for it. Some of the reasons I treated her so badly go back 17 years ago to an event that crushed my trust and love for her. We did not deal with it correctly and my reaction made it far worse that it actually was. Some of the other reasons were because she spent all our money...period. I was trying to get her to the table to discuss how we could correct that but once again my methods had the reverse affect and the opposite of what I wanted happened. So now she wants out and I have to give her what she wants. I give it to her without a fight because she has requested that we do this as friends for the sake of the kids. She has done everything in her power to keep everything fair. She has bent over backwards to give me the opportunity to be her friend. I can’t give you every example of how she has handled this with grace, tact, and poise Because there are so many. Her dedication to going thru this without conflict is iron. She has offered her hand as a friend and loves me as much. But even thru all her fantastic effort to see this thru calmly I am dying. She sees safety and happiness on her own. I see damage and failure at her leaving. The damage will be the kids and the failure will be mine for ever letting our relationship get to this point. I have prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed that God move in this strongly. I have prayed for God to heal her heart, mind, and soul. I have prayed that God show her the love for her that I have. I have begged for Jesus to open her heart to the needs of the kids. I have cried out for the Holy Spirit in her to show her how she will be loved if she stays. I have told her that I have changed. I have changed. The day she announced that we were done God ripped out all my pride, ego, self centeredness, anger, rage, lust, and lies. I have shown her nothing by love and affection for the last 95 days. I have not let a day go by without letting her know that I love her and she is beautiful. I have made it my mission to see that I treat her like a gentleman at all times. But I am a weak man and don’t know how much longer I can hang on. My sanity wanes, my tears flow daily, my desire for life fades and flickers, my energy is drained away, my time with the kids is marked by forced happiness and bitter regret, my time with her is punctuated with deep love and poverty level despair. I am a wreck. I don’t know who I am. I can’t see a future. I hate myself for what I have allowed to happen. I cannot live and I cannot die. I am in purgatory and have no hope of a brighter outlook. I don’t know what to do. I did decide at the beginning that I had 2 ways to deal with this. I could pull out the guns and fight her tooth and nail. Or I could take that Jesus path and show her love and kindness no matter what she did to me. Picking the Jesus path has been the only thing I have done right in this whole nasty story. Had I picked the other path the kids would have suffered greatly and there would have never been a chance that she would every want to put this back together again. The Jesus path leave the kids as damage free as possible and keeps the door open for her to come back. So here I sit, 95 days later, and pour out my heart in font. I cannot repair the past damage but I can decide to never be the way I was. I CHOOSE to change and cannot go back to who and what I was. If she stays I offer a fantastic future with a husband that will devote himself to his wife completely. I can say this because I have made all the mistakes and now I know how NOT to treat a wife. Know what NOT to do is a better teacher that learning what TO do at times. I have made her my subject and I study hard to pass this test. I have learned so very much and I now beg God to please give me my family back. Lord Jesus, please, please, please let me have my family back. Lord, I have learned my lesson. I know what I did was wrong and beg for your forgiveness. Please Lord gives this old man another chance to show my beloved wife that I can be the man she dreamed I would be. You created the family and you have divorce. Please Lord, hate this divorce, and don’t let it happen. Pour your grace and wisdom on her and I. Lord I don’t know how much more I can take. Please Lord, please, please, please Lord give me peace and joy. Lord please halt this trip down the broad road and keep us from entering the wide gate. Lord set us back on the narrow path and let us go thru the narrow gate. Lord fill her heart with YOUR love. Bring her back to YOUR will and YOUR path. Lead her back to you and she will find me standing next to you waiting for her. Lord, there is nothing to small or great for you to do, please Lord, show my family love and mercy, and bring about your will without tearing it apart. Please Lord stop the madness. Amen. I can type no more. I am exhausted and lonely. I have poured my love onto her for these long months and have not gotten a single I love you back. It does drain one to give so much and get nothing in return. But I cannot, will not quit! For better or worse is what I promised and this will be the only promise I have ever made that I will NOT break!