July 24th 2013 Called the only person that I could talk to about whats going on today. Told her that I had come to the conclusion that maybe the Lord is doing this because he has someone waiting for her that is better for her than I am. The person, my mother, began a tirade of BS, BS, BS. Then my 15 year old, who was staying overnight, chimed in on the other phone line Bullcrap, bullcrap, bullcrap. Eching grandma's words. I tried to explain that if I was going to be able to turn it over to God then I had to set my mind to the fact that God has someone better waiting for her and my kids. I was given the perfect woman and failed miserably in my marriage to her. Its my lifes work. Failures, failures, failures. I cant plan so I plan to fail at everything. I have yet to set a goal and reach it. God is so disappointed in me that he is stripping me of all that I hold dear so that they are not corrupted by my inept abilities to live a life of purpose and meaning. They will be better off with a man that God has set in place for them. Now my only supporter, my mother, told me that this thinking was BS and that she cannot take it anymore. So now God has closed every door to me. I have so burdened my own mother that she no longer wants to hear my problems. So now I stand truly alone. God has shown me that my wife is better off without me. He has shown me that my kids will be better off without me in their lifes. He has shown me that I can destroy ANY relationship, even with my own mother. So whats left? Nothing...nothing but to see keep my word and help her find a house to move away from me into with the kids. Nothing but to never burden my mother and father with my problems again. Nothing but to get the divorce paperwork finished and turned in so that my wife can have the freedom to find that man that the Lord has waiting on her. Nothing to do but to get them out of my life and settled into their new, better, God ordained life and stay away from them so my toxic nature does not infect them as it has everything I ever touch. Goals: 1) Get them out and settled into their new house and life. 2) Sell all I own and give them the money for their future. 3) Leave them and follow whatever path God sets my foot upon so that I dont infect them with my disease. Look for work outside the country so that I am unable to get to them even if I wanted. So there it is...just when I thought that I could sink no lower I find out that I am killing my own mother with it. Even when God confronts me with what I have done wrong I still continue to do the same thing, just to others I love. What kind of creature has God created with me? Is there not end to the pain and misery I can cause to everyone. Everyone is better off without me bringing them the pain and misery I carry inside me. Now the big question is HOW do I remove myself from their lifes? God, its obvious that the conflict that started over my realization that she and the kids are better off without me must have some validity. Mom's revalation that she cant go on listening to me is another piece of the puzzle that you have laid out on the table of my life. Is it time to cash in my chips or is it time for you to tip your hand and show me what the cards you hold have for me? I dont know. All I know is that I can no longer strive to convince her to stay because you MUST have somethig better waiting for her. Me standing in your way trying to show her what she will get is she stays is only getting in the way of your goal to give her a better life. I will no longer stand in that gap. I will try and give her the piece of mind to go. I will now wait to see where you lead me in this.....but I will no longer offer her a look at what I have to offer her if she stays. If I am wrong please let me know.