July 24th 2013 Well the Divorce wagon is still heading towards the Singles cliff. I worked all day yesterday while she had the kids all day for the first time in weeks. She met one of her co-workers at Kings Island and her kids and our kids rode rides and dodged rain for about 4 hours. This was the first time she was able to take the kids out on her own for weeks. She made no contact with me all day to let me know where they were or what they were doing. They got home right at 5:30. I asked if she wanted to do something together for the evening. She said how about we all go to El Rancho and get some chips and salsa. So she showered and we went. She got a iced adult beverage and as typical, only finished half of it. After dinner we hit Krogers and got the boy some motrin because he was still complaining that his legs ached. Finished and headed for the house. I stopped at Speedway and let the 2 kids get Slushies and got her some of her favorite chocolates. Got home and she hit the bed and I massaged her feet and legs for a couple of hours while the 2 little ones watched Dumbo and the National Geographic show "Battle for Midway". She rested and they watched and I massaged till 11. Sent them to their room at 11 and she rolled over and put the pillow between us and slept. I layed down my weary head and slept. Up at 5 and prayed till 6 begging God to give me my family back and a second chance. In all this I have come to realize that SHE might be better off without me. The children might have a better dad waiting on them out there in God's plans. I have to accept that fact that God my have already given me my last chance at raising HIS children right and treating HIS daughter (my wife) properly. God may be setting this up so that they can find the person that God KNOWS is best for them to live with and raise them. I should not be hard to find someone better than me for them. I destroy all I touch. Everything I have tried to do in life has either failed miserabley OR never got finished. Lord, let your will be done in ALL out lifes. Teach me to let go of all this so that YOUR will be done in our lifes. I accept the fact that you might want her to find another man who is a better provider, husband, father and lover. Lord, I accept the fact that my children might be better off with a dad that YOU provide for them after the divorce. I cannot say that I am comfortable with the idea BUT if it happens then I know that it is YOUR will for I have given this over to you and begged you to keep us together. So if you let us split then I will know that you want me to let ALL of them go and find the better place you have made for them. You created the family and hate divorce BUT you know whats best for us and if we split then I must assume that you have a better place for my wife and my kids than with me. All I ask is that you remove me from them if I will be a hinderance to your will in their lifes. I have created this place that I must now dwell in. I never wanted this. I never dreamed it would happen. I can say that I am crushed under the weight of my own sin. I suffer and the ones I love most suffer as well. I cannot stop it. I cannot slow it down. I cannot escape it. I cannot live with it. This WILL kill me in the long run. I will let her know that I want her to go because she deserves better. I will stop trying to keep her. I will stop talking of her staying with me as s good thing. I will stop asking her to stay and work it out. I will now give her the open road to go. I will no longer try and influence her with words and deeds. I will step aside and let her move forward at her own pace. I will stop telling her that the kids are better off with their parents married and loving. God showed me this today as I was crying out to him. The words were "what if she is better off without you?". "What if the kids are better off with a man she finds"?. I heard the words, had the thought and know that he is right. She will be better off without me. Now my life will become more focused. Focused on helping her get her feet under her and out on her own. Focused and prepping the kids for a new dad who will treat them btter than I have. Focused letting my family go. I hope I am strong enough to stand tall and keep my faith, resolve and sanity as I begin to work this thru my heart, mind, and soul. I am so sorry Lord that I put you in this position. You dont want to do these things but I have given you no option. Please forgive me!